8/14/13

(Note to those who buy hold music:  IF you're going to buy "looped" music DO NOT keep your customers on hold for 22:45 minutes.  The next gone postal case is going to be someone with a Bluetooth earpiece in one ear & a hammer in hand running towards the IT/Telephony department)

Deep breath.  OK, got the last of the "Dad's dead" calls done (I hope).  This one was to Dominion Power & it was saved for last because I thought it would be the easiest.  Not so much...not in the least.  Lisa the CSR that first took my call was professionally respectful and unnecessarily apologetic that she had to put me on hold in order to research the situation.  I got the feeling very early on that the first line csr agents are not trained to deal with customers that die.  I know it’s probably not something every rep with encounter every day but it has to happen more often than never right? 

After about 2 minutes she came back and let me know if I canceled the budget plan that Dad was on (I put him on it several years ago when it looked like he was going to go to jail for his multiple DUI charges) the total balance would be come due.  Since I needed to keep the power on until I finally figure out what I’m going to do with the house I couldn’t just write it off to the “dead people’s file”.  She wasn’t sure if I would have to put the power in my name or…

Oh wait… who’s Janice Huntley; is she available?  She is on the account and she’s the only one that can make changes to the account.  *Sigh* Poor Lisa didn't know what to say after I told her Mom was not available since she died in ’98.  At that point there was nothing more she could do, she had to transfer me to the Residential Department – again she apologized almost sadly.

The automated voice told me my wait would be about 20 minutes but that I could do nearly everything under the sun on the Dom.com website.  Everything it turned out EXCEPT everything I needed to do.  Great.  Ms. Snowden had to go through all the same steps that poor Lisa did 23 minutes earlier.  She was able to cancel the budget plan so instead of owing $188 by 8/30 I only have to come up with $109.53.  (Is anyone else laughing with me?)  The next bill will go out on 9/16 & will only be for the power used (“so the more you turn off the lower your bill will be”…really Ms. Snowden, I didn’t know that).

So now on top of my own stuff I've taken on Dad’s power, water, and property taxes on both houses … I’m almost afraid to ask if there’s anything else I forgot to take care of or someone I should have called.  No time to worry about it now, I’m running late for work.

...and the good news just keeps coming...

Finally got around to talking to someone at the reverse mortgage company for the house Dad was living in.  Candy was very nice & informative - but dang she talked too fast for the amount of information she was giving me.  I'm sure she got tired of me asking her to slow down, repeat, or the zillions of questions I had. So here's the deal:

I have three options: 1. clean everything out of the house and turn it over to them 2. buy it or 3. sell it.  Before anything can be done they are required to send out an appraiser to find out the true value of the house. (Which means I have another trip in my not so distant future coming up.)  The good news is that if it's appraised for less than the loan they'll let me buy it for 95% of the appraised value.  :) /sarcasm

The second (and probably the most devastating) chunk of news is that NONE of this can be done until the will has been probated.  According to VA law there is no time frame on when it has to be probated...however the mortgage company has a different set of rules.  I have 6 months from date of death (7/28 in case you're counting) for one of the three above options and a possibility of two 90 day extensions once the wheels have started turning.  ..and just in case you don't remember from my many posts before in order to probate the will all fees & taxes must be paid up front.

8/11/13

This has been one of those days that has been “off” for me since I woke up this morning and I haven’t been able to figure out why.  I don’t think its one thing or the other…but it’s something… and it’s frustrating that I can’t put my finger on it.  I’m the kind of person that needs a solution to the problem (even if the solution isn’t doable); I don’t do well with the abstract kind of solution.

The other day I was talking (i.e. texting) with Russ & he asked me how I was doing.  Russ is one of the few friends that I can actually say anything to & it doesn’t phase him in the least little bit (yes even those monthly issues).  I just blurted out that my eyes were tired and how strange that felt to me.  I didn’t know how else to explain it… they just blasted hurt.  If I closed them they felt better but otherwise they just burned, ached and/or hurt.  As is his nature (at least with me) he said that was pretty normal and that I’d been through a lot these last few months; I just needed sleep and water.  Sleep and water?  Ok if you say so.  Don’t tell Russ, but I did sleep in an extra hour the next morning.  My eyes are still ‘sore’ but not nearly as much as when I talked to him.

I know it’s hard to believe someone like me is a private person…especially considering how much of my non-existent life is on Facebook and my blog… hang on a second.  I don’t think I’m a private person per se… I just don’t tell anyone how I feel about things that are important to me because they won’t get it.  That sort of hit me today when I was cleaning the house (sort of).  Let me explain.

I was dusting off the bookcase that I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring home with me (although secretly I really did want to save it)….and at the time I couldn’t figure out what the hesitation was.  Even while I was at Dad’s I felt like I let Shawn talk me into taking it back with me (I needed something to put all this stuff I was going to have to go through of Dad’s but I wasn’t sure I really had the physical space for it…. at least that’s what I kept telling myself).  So I’m sitting on the floor & I’m trying to dust the bottom shelf when I get a memory flash that hit me hard.  It’s a Saturday morning at the old house (the one I grew up in, the one we’re … ooops I’m renting) & I’m sitting on the floor dusting this very same bookcase.  It’s up against the half wall that separated the living room and kitchen.  It was loaded with some of Mom’s books & I had to make sure I put them in the same order she had them in (gee I wonder where I got that from).  I’ve always thought that Dad built that bookshelf for Mom; don’t know if it’s true or not, but it’s always been her shelf… and I didn’t even realize that until today.  Funny how that works out isn’t it.

Fred came by to pick up the camping stove and spoon today.  He kept saying if I changed my mind about some of the things he put his “dot” on & wanted to keep them he’d understand.  That’s something else I keep hearing from people that had “dotted” items.  I have yet to understand why I keep hearing the same thing over and over again until I talked to Fred. 

Because of his drinking, Dad and I have had a rocky relationship since day one; it only got better once Mom died ironically (there’s something about realizing we are the only ones we had left that made us work on our relationship).  I’m starting to see how funny it looks to “outsiders” the things I want to keep of his and the things I have no problem getting tossing in the trash.  For example there is one tool box that I wanted – have no idea what’s in it or if I’ll ever use any of the tools in it (and I KNOW I don’t have the space for it) and one particular plant.  I wanted to make sure I had room in my truck to bring that plant back (and one for a friend of mind that I had no attachment to what so ever)  that  I was kind of short with Shawn when I realized I didn’t have room to bring it back this trip.  I’m just glad she stood her ground and didn’t back down to me b/c frankly right now I haven’t pulled out space for it yet.  Dad’s plaques and ships had to come back with me, I want his water bottle full of change, and all the records/camera equipment.  There were a few dishes, pots/pans that I wanted….seriously who wants a pot that is only 3” across?  Me that’s who.

The other thing I’m having a hard time getting used to is not jumping every time the phone rings (which doesn’t happen nearly as much now that he’s dead… which brings point #2: dead vs passed.  Dad is dead, he died – he didn’t “pass”).  I don’t have to answer every phone call I get (which means if you call from a number I don’t recognize you better leave a message) and/or have to have the phone sitting on the table 24/7.  Very strange feeling since that’s been my main concern for the last few years –phone above all else in case something happened with him.  Things are so much more different than they were when Mom died.

When do I go back to normal?

No more "I'm sorrys"

♫ ♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact ♪♫

I realize that I'm floating in uncharted territory here. (and although I know it's not true), I feel like I'm the first/only person in this age of social media to help their remaining parent die in the manner he has requested. I admit to making mistakes with the amount of information I've posted and more importantly with the people I've trusted with said information.

From the bottom of my black heart I'd like to thank those who have stepped up, offered support, gave me their time (and shoulder) the last year or so -- and especially the last 2 weeks. Words have not been invented to tell you how much that has meant to me. When I was falling apart & didn't know which way to turn you were there to point me in the right direction.

The last few days I've had to shut some people down because they'd insinuated themselves where they were not needed and/or wanted; and believe it or not I actually felt bad about it. Not any more. No more guilt. No more biting my tongue. I've tried to explain nicely that no matter how much time Dad has left - whether it's a week, month or a year it's his to do with as he likes. ... and it's my job (for as long as he wants me to do it) to make sure he gets what he wants as he wants it. So until further notice the bitch is unapologetically back.

Dallas vs LifeStation

Another interesting story in the life and times of Dallas while she's attempting to close down her Dad's life (don't you just love the third person speak :) )

While I was home I cancelled the LifeStation account  (love the product would recommend to anyone - just no need if he's going to be in the nursing home) and sent the unit, wristband and bathroom wall unit back in the same box they were sent to us in.  Today I noticed they drafted $40 out of his account, so I called to find out why.  CSR Stan told me that the box did not contain the bathroom wall button & instead of calling me to say "hey did you forget to send the button back" they just charged us for it.  Needless to say since I KNEW I put it in there. I accidently pushed the button while trying to pull it off the velcro straps from the wall & even though the main unit was unplugged from the power and phone it still lit up & attempted to call out.  I remember thinking good thing I called to cancel first b/c it would be interesting to have EMS show up at the house in the condition it was in.  

Stan put me on hold to talk to his supervisor and came back and explained that they scan everything as it comes in & the button wasn't there.  All of a sudden I remembered that I took a picture and video of the unit blinking while it was in the box - and it was still on my phone; I offered to send it to them (I did it b/c I was afraid they were going to tell me the unit didn't work anymore & I wanted to be able to prove to them that when I put it in the box it was working.).

 They've agreed to refund the $40 - although it will take 10 business days (really??).

“I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” Gayle Forman, If I Stay

I was reminded today about something my Mom taught me (albeit the hard way) when she was getting close to the end.  We got into this huge fight when she told me she was going to stop chemo that only stopped when she yelled "It's not about what you want, it's what I want."  I mean seriously; what do you say to that?

This past week I've watched Dad deal with the realization that not only is he never going to be able to live independantly, he's "one of those people" (his words not mine) that have to have someone else wipe his ass and change his diaper.  I haven't figured out which is worse for him- that he needs them or that he did it to himself; I do believe though that he's accepted his fate.  He's not depressed, he's not giving up... he understands what the deal is ...and for now is ok with the way things are.

There is a big difference between being depressed and accepting the inevitable.  Dad asked for the DNR and the Advanced Directive on his own.  He waited to sign them until we taked about everything.  He signed them in front of two medical professionals that also had to sign off on his mental status.   So why do they keep asking him if he's changed his mind?  Why are they surprised when he gets angry that he has to keep repeating the same decisions over and over again? He even asked me one day this week "How many times do I have to tell them to let me die, not to save me?"

Tonight he asked me how far I'd gotten on the house.  I stalled for time by taking his cell phone & adding Shawn's & the lawyer's phone numbers in (he doesn't answer calls he doesn't recognize).  I took a deep breath & told him about sending things to CHKD, how long it took me to drag everything out of the truck at the e-recyling place b/c I was being careful w/ the stuff (why?!?!?), that Shawn had the extra key...yadda yadda yadda.  Not really answering his question but not really blowing him off either.  I looked up when he got unusally quiet - thinking he'd fallen asleep again only to see him attempting to wipe away a tear.  I didn't want to embarrass him so I didn't say anything - nor did he for a second or two.  "You've got people I don't even know helping me & the ones I do know only call when they want something."

"Hey now, I thought you said no crying allowed when you called Sunday."

"I'm not crying" he smiles as he finally manages to wipe it away.  "and don't you tell those clipboard women either - they already ask too many stupid questions." then he gets that sneaky smile on his face.  "What was it that Mom said about crying?"

...it took me a minute but I had to laugh.  "There's no crying in dying." No howling, boo hooing, fake snot blowing, throwing your body on the casket crap.  ...there's too much to do for any of that stuff - don't make me come back and haunt you." or something along those lines - it has been awhile you know.  :)

It was only then that I realized it has to be pretty liberating to know "what's what" so to speak.  No more what if we do this or if I don't do that... "yep" he giggles "what can they do to do to me now?  I can tell them I don't want to (re: those 'friends' asking for money) ...or even worse to ask you!"  and he starts laughing so much that... well it's not funny anymore.

Love you too Dad, love you too!

I'm not the bad guy; this is not my fault

Nothing like the first phone call of the day letting you know despite all my efforts there's no way I'm going to be able to stop the shit storm coming down on Dad.  It was basically a courtesy call to say the facility is applying for all of his income in order to pay for his continued residency there.  Once again the Director of Social Work ended the call by saying "if you were here...".

In a rare burst of public honesty here - as much as I love Dad I'm really tired of being the bad guy.  What would change if I could afford to be there?  Nothing.  He'd still be in a situation where he can't get out of bed by himself, he still wouldn't be able to walk & he'd still have all of his income/assets taken away against his will.  If I couldn't make him stop drinking (after 60+ years) and/or take his medicine when I was there for 9 months during his hip surgery how in the hell do you think I could change things now?!?!

That being said for those of you in my generation... start talking to your parents NOW about everything.  Don't get hit in the face with things like I did, start the conversation now.  Get those Durable POA, Medical POAs, DNRs done now.  Start putting your name on their accounts (I've been trying to cancel Cox since MARCH all the while they keep charging him) so you can take care of business when the time comes.  It doesn't matter if your 'rents aren't sick now - what if they're in a car accident? trip on the sidewalk on the way to work?  ....and for those of you with siblings - there's enough stuff to be done that it shouldn't fall on one person's shoulders.  Get over it and share the responsibilities.

And for the parents on my page - quit being so stubborn.  No one is trying to take over your life we just want to give you the life you want and deserve.  (Trust me we have enough on our plates trying to keep our worlds turning we don't need to try and control yours as well.) You're going to have to help us help you or the choices are going to be made for you.  Tell your kids (or whomever your advocate is) where the info is, who carries the policies on the house, who the mortgage is through, how things are paid, etc.

And for the younger ones on my page, your parents aren't immortal.  There will be a time when you are going to have to be the grown-up and take care of them.  Start asking questions, start paying attention.  The time may come when you will need to be their advocate & you need to be ready.  The internet is a powerful tool but you are still going to have to get on the  phone and talk to people.  Make sure you know how to talk to those that have the power to do what you need done.  Your world is not in that little box in your hands you can't take your eyes off of.