Hmmm....

I've been having a serious conversation with a co-worker the last few days about whether or not we (both of us) need to be medicated to prevent us from feeling like we need to "choke a b*tch" (no one in particular just a general feeling). It wasn't until yesterday's conversation when I was handed a Reese's Peanut Butter cup (no joke) that I realized my previously mentioned "wagon jump" may NOT have been the reason for my mood but a way to get it back in check. I am well aware my current position has messed up my head in ways I'm not sure I'll come back from easily; however I'm pretty sure Dunkin Donuts' Coolattas are not the solution either.

I could have sent this week's Postsecret secret

Serving 

Want to hear a funny (or sad depending on how you look at it I guess) story about me?

This morning for some strange reason I woke up determined to get the air filters for the house, even though for the most part I've turned off the heat.  When I opened the front door it also occured to me that it maybe I could find out what it would take to have it fixed (the lock that doesn't 'hold', the peephole has been painted over - and oh yeah ...I really HATE the color of the door.)  I really need someone to go with me to these home improvement places because I can wander around happy as a lark for hours looking at this and that & dreaming about what I would/could do if I had the time and more importantly the money; like the refrigerator that's on sale (if you can call $1400 a sale) that's not stainless, and not white but a chrome-tinted grey maybe?? ...before find what I went in there for.

Finding the filters took no time at all; figuring out what I wanted to change on the door was another story.  It's a no-brainer that the red has to go & frankly I'm still loving the idea of painting it Dallas Cowboys blue.  I'm also considering removing the doorknocker (it's not like I get a lot of visitors and I do have a doorbell) and putting silver numbers there since I still haven't found a house number plate I like and can afford.  That only leaves the problem with the gold door knob and deadbolt (the easy answer would be to have them replaced since they aren't working very well - but I had all the doors rekeyed when I bought the house & I don't want to spend that kind of money again if I can avoid it.) ....eh I'll figure that part out later.

I found (and bought) the replacement peep hole - turns out that's not as big of an issue as I thought it might be.  I even found large silver numbers to fit in that space across the middle of the door (assuming I can remove the doorknocker). While I was looking/dreaming I realized a clerk was persistently asking me if I needed help.  Not only was I in my own little world but I was dressed in my best "People of Wal-Mart" attire (black running pants with broken zippers on the sides of the legs and my old beat up w/ the lettering falling off Cowboys jersey) and not accustomed to "being seen".  I chuckled to myself and let him know I was ok and just looking for prices and ideas.  He didn't even seem relieved when he walked away - kudos to him.

Next stop the paint department.  I have no idea what kind of paint I'm going to need to cover up this door (does it count as indoor? outdoor? will I need a primer?) but I do know the first thing I need to find is the right color.  How hard can it be for me to find Dallas Cowboys blue?  Ummm...harder than you'd think.  I started with the paint chip samples on my left and nearly had a heart attack; there were four more sections of chips alone!  OMG where's Dave when I need him?  Deep breath & start pulling cards out of the slot with my left hand (right still has the filters I've been carrying around for 45 minutes now as well as the peep hole) hold it up to my chest (remember the beat up Cowboys jersey?) while I decide if it's close enough for consideration.  I've got a stack of cards in front of me & I'm going through my second round of eliminations when it happened.

On my right is another store clerk, only this time she looks a little scared.  She puts her and on my arm holding the filters and says quietly (as if she doesn't want anyone else to hear her) "Ma'am is there anything I can help you with?"  I'm a little startled because I didn't even realized she'd walked up on me let alone the fact that she still has her hand on my arm.  "No", as I pull my arm away "I'm trying to find the right one, I promise to put all the cards back in the right place when I'm done."  She smiles as if she knows something I don't and says "it's ok ma'am you can take as many as you want; there's no charge.  But could you do me a favor and use the bottom of your shirt instead?"  Now it took me a second or two to realize what she was asking me.  Sure I was putting the cards up to my chest to check the colors; it was the easiest for me to see.  What I didn't realize was that I was making the decisions out loud (and not using the voices in my head)!  Imagine what it must have looked like to walk around the corner and see me standing there with 'my hand on my chest' saying things like "not bad", "close but not quite right", "almost", "ewww, not even in the ballpark"....  I busted out laughing as I assured her I would be more careful.

Then again, maybe it is...LOL

A few weeks ago I was in a strange head space (even for me) that I figured I'd put (another) post on Craigslist.  No, I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone again, but I did want to have someone to hang out with again.I know it's CL & all the crazies are out there (hell I'm on it more than I should be right? :) ) however but not everyone is nuts...are they?

So here was my post:

Not too much to ask ... - 44 (CabCo)

age : 44 body art : 2 tats, want 2 morebody : heavy height : 5'7" (170cm)ethnicity : black status : single

Everyone has a list of "must haves" in a partner right? Here are mine:

1. Single (as in not married or still attached to someone else - physically or emotionally)
2. Non - smoker
3. Casual drinker
4. Must follow the NFL
5. Listen to rock (hard & classic) & metal
6. Twisted sense of humor
7. Within ~ 6 years of age

What are yours?

Here are a few of the (cleaner) responses I received:

Hello u have a pitcher  I am 50   Looking for a friend right now . Not really sex even thou it would  be nice 

Yes I am good on all 7 let's get together

Hello

How are you planning for weekend?

can you tell me about yourself 

I HAVE AFFECTIONATE KISSES,FIRMNESS BETWEEN MY LEGS  AND FUN FOR YOU DEAR.THIS IS LEE IN DURHAM AT XXX-XXX-XXXX...CAN YOU STAND IT?????

LOL maybe I am just too picky :)

Postseceret

I was able to go to a Postsecret event a couple of weeks ago in Charlotte.  One thing that stuck me with me was Frank's explanation as why so many people spent part of their Sunday's reading his blog.  He said that something to the effect that it was comforting to know that somewhere someone felt the very same way you do.  Today was one of those times.

Trying not to panic

This year is off to a slow start where my resolutions are concerned, but I’m still plugging away.

The other day I made an appointment to attend a weight loss surgery seminar.  It’s the first step in finding out if 1. I qualify for the surgery (am I fat enough) and 2. Which of the three surgeries would be best for me.  I’d also find out the biggest obstacle – cost.  I’m not sure if my insurance would cover it (last time I looked it wouldn't) so I’m going in with the idea that I’m going to have to find a way to pay for this all on my own.

I've had a major setback where it comes to the exercise.  I've been waylaid by Mother Nature as well as a 15# weight gain that I cannot explain.  Seriously, this is a scary kind of jump in weight – who gains that much weight in two weeks?  I've never been one that “bloats” or retains water (and even if I did that’s a heck of a lot of water, right?).  It’s not like the holiday feasting was catching up to me because I didn't do any feasting (remember I worked all three holidays & frankly didn't feel like trying to be festive).  It has been suggested that I've hit by a major dose of depression, but that doesn't explain the weight gain to me.  …and before you ask, no it’s not my imagination.  Remember all those jeans I was so proud of because they actually made me look good?  Well I can’t wear them now.

Because this bothered me so much I made an appointment with my doctor for today. Granted it was time for the diabetic checkup, but I also wanted to talk to her about the weight loss surgery (something I've mentioned to her over the years but I've never been all that serious about it), the yeast infection & now this latest ‘what the hell is wrong with me now’ episode.  Hey making this appointment is a big step for me.  I keep thinking about Mom & how when she decided to get healthy & lose weight she found out she had Stage 4 lung cancer & died four months later.  Any other time something like this has happened I’d just stop & go back to my unhealthy ways.  This time I called the doc & am facing my fears.

…at least I was until this morning when the doctor’s office called to say she wasn't going to make it into the office today (who knew a 4⁰ day could cause so much havoc?) and would need to reschedule.  Seminar is the 21^st & doc appointment is now the 22^nd…two weeks of me going crazy in my head – not to mention classes starting in a week.  I don’t need a man in my life to drive me crazy, I tend to do it to myself. *sigh*

2014: Brought to you by the letter “H” Health, Home & Happiness

                It’s that time of the year again when people make lists of things they want to change in the coming year.  Sometimes they actually cross things off but more often than not the list is forgotten by mid-March and things stay the same.  Don’t get me wrong I’m just like those people I’m talking about; only most of the time I don’t even make it to March!

                So what makes 2014 any different?  A few weeks before Dad died we got into one of our “discussions” about him signing up for Medicare & going into a nursing home.  Out of nowhere he yells “What’s the point then?” That caught me completely off guard because I had no idea what in the world he was talking about.  He couldn’t understand why he bothered to keep the rental & get the reverse mortgage (he didn’t think he’d ever pay off the house & knew I couldn’t afford it) if he was just going to be forced to give everything away just because he was dying.  ...and if that wasn’t a kick in the teeth the other day I was talking to someone about the “mountain” of things he needed to figure out & (He’s always telling me if you don’t like the way things are find a way to change them.) I asked him how he was going to manage to get it all done.  He laughed and said “The same way I tacked that steak the other day – one bite at a time.”

                Ironically the first bite is my health.  This past year I’ve put on somewhere between 12-18 extra pounds, my hair has been falling out by the fistfuls & I’ve made 2 “extra” doctor appointments due to diabetic complications.  In my head I know the majority of it has been the stress of the last couple of years, not being able to afford my meds,  & getting off all the “better” eating habits I’d worked so hard on but frankly I just like the way I feel (let alone look).  I’ve already started working on saving the hair (that sounds funny coming from me doesn’t it J ) so it’s time for the overall health.  I’ve made up my mind that I want the weight loss surgery, now I need to start making the calls, going to the seminars & doing the work to make it happen.  I’ve dusted off the Wii & started playing it again and have had a couple of sessions with Shawn T (fun but Hip Hop Abs was not made for people with all this extra body!).  I know I have to work on “everything in moderation” & a few other things but …one bite at a time right?

                It’s time I stop thinking of NC as a stepping stone to where I want to be.  I’ve been here since ’96; this is home now.  That means it’s time to stop renting and find a place of my own.  I’d love to get out of my present situation asap but I know that’s not going to happen.  I need to find my “forever” home & I need to do it right.  That means finally figuring out what my financial situation is, fix it & go from there.  I’m in the process of working through the paperwork for a program a co-worker told me about.  If anyone has any suggestions, tips, inside information – don’t be shy; I need all the help I can get!

                I’m also not putting things off anymore.  That train trip to DC – it’s time to start planning it.  I’ve always wanted to go to Nashville, Savannah, the NFL Hall of Fame (how is it all the trips to C’town & I never made it??) hell even Amish Country…. the list is almost endless!  The point is there are still things I want to cross off my bucket list & I just bought a new pen!  Let’s see DC in 2014, Nashville or Alaska 2015?  Time to stop working just to live but to have something to live for.    

                …to paraphrase a line from RENT: 2014 it’s gonna be a good year.