How do you make new friends when you're too old for the playground? - w4m - 43 (CabCo)

Most of my "friends" are either married, have kids or are in another time zone. The rest are 20 years my senior or 15 my junior. I'm sick of having to work around all of their schedules just to be able to hang out anymore. Problem is I have no idea how to go out and make new friends anymore.

So here's the deal: I'm a HUGE Dallas Cowboys fan, I can drive a stick- shift, I'm a BBW, a metalhead, non-smoker, casual drinker, and I say no to drugs. I've always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle but they scare the crap out of me. I've never been married and don't have any kids. I'm a full-time student (again) & have full-time job with inconvenient hours.

Did I mention that I'm black? Hope that's not a problem.

How would you like to be my friend?

...yep silly me thought I'd give this a go again.  In a weakened state, I thought to myself   "hell it worked once why not try again, what have you got to lose?".  Truth be told I could feel myself going into a very dark space & honestly I was afraid if I went there again this time there would be no crawling out.  I needed something else to focus on other than things with Dad, my grades, the bills, how long is this job going to last (or how long am I going to last in the job)... why not some harmless flirting over email?

I dug out the Craigslist ad that I posted a few years ago (yes the same one that brought Bill and I together) & 'tweaked' it a little bit.  Honestly it's pretty funny to realize after two years nothing really has changed in the grand scheme of things.  I'm not looking to jump back into a relationship - in fact I don't want anything to do with that word.  I was just hoping to find someone that might enjoy a conversation and/or texting hello every once in awhile; someone who's looking for a distraction from life as we know it.

That's so NOT what I got.  In fact the emails I received this go round were so different from a few years ago I had to go back and make sure I didn't post something I didn't intend.  It's the "other" groups that kind of surprised me.

• ·         I received the expected number of perv emails (it is Craigslist afterall) that went straight into the trash without a second thought. 
• ·         Even though this was a dusted off post, I took some time crafting it.  Is it too much to ask that if you're going to take the time to respond you could send more than "I'll be your friend - white guy here.  Write back if you're interested."  I swear - that's the entire email.
• ·         There were about 8-10 that started out "I've always wanted to be with a black girl" or "a big girl"...  Seriously guys (and yes I will speak for both communities for a second), not all of us are so insecure that we will jump in bed with any guy that asks.  If you're attracted to women of color (any) or of size (again any) then go up to someone you're interested in and introduce yourself and smile.  There's no need to lead off with "I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a black woman"; I promise you all the parts are in the same place & have the same function; just don't think you're going to get away with pulling our hair (sorry I couldn't help it).
• ·         Did you notice the part about being friends? or that it was posted in the Strictly Platonic section?  I just want to hang out, go to a movie, maybe a show at the NC Music Factory... talk about the news?  I admit (as the song goes) "I screwed around and fell in love" last time I tried this, but I learned my lesson. I'm not looking for a romantic involvement of ANY kind, I'd just to have someone to talk to every once in awhile.
• ·         There were a surprising number of kids (yes kids – youngest was 21 – the majority were 25-27) that responded.  The scary thought for me were the ones that said they had a girlfriend.  Why the hell are you cruising CL?  One guy actually had the nerve to send this after I told him I wanted friends my own age: Who cares, cool ppl are cool ppl. It's not like I'm trying to suckle from ur tits!! Lol age doesn't matter to me. I'll be anyone friend.
• ·         ...which brings me to my next point - tell me again why you are sending emails in text-speak?  As those guys on ESPN are so fond of saying "C'mon Man".... everyone has a smart phone these days with a full keyboard - not to mention the full keyboard on that neat tablet you're currently using.  There is NO excuse for not typing out the entire word these days.  I'll forgive misspellings (lord knows if the F7 key didn't exist I'd never send out a correctly spelled email), but text-speak in an email goes straight to the trash without the "thanks for responding but you have not been selected to go further in search for a friend process" email.

LOL I can hear Kris now telling me that I'm too damn picky.  Maybe.  Truth be told I need someone around me that can challenge me, someone that won't let me walk all over them.  Someone that will call me out on my crap.  Someone that will disagree with me & even push back when I state my opinion.  Someone that will let me question what they say and not be offended by it.

Damn it …so that's what Adele meant by Never mind, I'll find someone like you.  Maybe in her next album she’ll tell me how to do that?

Being unemployed just sucks…

There’s really no other way to say it – it just f’n sucks!

Just before I was about to clock out for lunch on February 29^th, I was called to the office manager’s office.  This was not a normal request – in fact such a request had only been made one other time in the nine months I worked with the firm.  To say my departure was a surprise would be an understatement.  I was working on two projects, had another on my desk waiting for me to get to it and I was actually excited about the two guys that were starting that day in my department because I thought that finally meant things were going to calm down for me a bit so that I would be able to catch up with everything.

…she had to say it twice… we’re going to have to let you go... because I couldn’t believe it.  How in the world can she fire me – I didn’t even have the time to sit in the office right then and there; I was falling behind as it was!  (That would have gone over well I don’t have time for you to fire me right now, I have too much work to do!) But then it hit me; for the first time in my life I’d been fired.  Not only was I going to be escorted back to my desk to pack up all my belongings (“are you going to need more than one box?”) but the health insurance I’d finally qualified for (and desperately needed) and the paychecks I worked my arse off to get were all gone just that fast.

One hundred and eighteen days later & I’m starting to realize that compensation was not all I lost that day.  It’s almost cliché to say loosing that job (especially the way it happened) did something to my self-esteem in ways that I was not prepared for.  It’s bad enough that I don’t have a reason to set the alarm before I go to bed anymore but it’s something totally different when it’s because someone doesn’t think I copy, scan and file well enough to keep me on the payroll.  Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to put on a job application that you were fired from a job you only held nine months and the only thing you did those nine months was print out documents and put them in a three ring binder??  (Don’t worry, I have come up with a line worthy of our current presidential candidates: Changes in the firm required someone with a legal and engineering background in my position.)

Recently though I’ve started to realize the worse part about being unemployed is the loneliness; especially for someone like me who lives alone.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone ask me about my ‘bout of unemployment’ as if it was a medical issue that I was dealing with.  “How are you holding up?” they’ll whisper like the did in the days of black and white tvs as if I have ‘the cancer’ or something else equally dreadful.  I know they mean well (You’d think with the economy as sluggish as it has been for the past few years we as a society would be better at talking about this than we are.) but they don’t know what to say to me any more than I do when someone close to me has a death in their family.

…death… you know, come to think of it, that’s exactly what this feels like some days; a slow lingering, painful death.  There’s the normal stress of not being able to keep the lights on, the water running and/or a roof over your head (not to mention gas in the tank in case you get that rare interview or food in the fridge so you don’t pass out during that elusive interview) but no one talks about the loneliness of being unemployed.  

Even if you dislike everyone you work with and hate what you do 40+ hours a week, there is always some sort of face to face interaction with SOMEBODY.  That’s something you take for granted when you live alone and for all intents and purposes have no place to go for weeks on end.  No stopping for coffee on your way into work, chit chatting over the water cooler about the tv shows you watched the night before, going out to lunch with fellow cubemates complaining about the amount of work your manager expects you to do, and no one to call on the way home to see if you need to pick anything up for dinner.  Instead when you’re unemployed (especially for as long as I have been) you can stay in your pjs all day long while you spend 8 hours combing the job boards looking for any place to send your resume.  You spend the next 4 hours calling the utility companies begging for more time to catch up while hoping the cell phone company won’t cut you off mid-conversation.  Sometimes you have to remember to put a bra on before walking out to get the mail & other days you just don’t care. 

You may make the effort to keep in touch with friends the first few weeks of your “vacation” but after while you just don’t see the point.  It doesn’t take long to run out of ways to answer the “any leads yet” question and truth be told it’s pretty depressing to listen about all the fun adventures your friends are going on.  Sometimes your Facebook friends will forget that cable was one of the things you had to give up which means you’re constantly repeating why you aren’t following the new show that the whole world seems to be talking about.  Or one of your long distance friends will call to catch up & you’ll hear that uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone when you explain that you haven’t been to any of the festival concerts because you can’t afford the tickets anymore.

You know your friends mean well.  They want the best for you; they’re pulling for you and even sending as any opportunities your way they come across.  You can’t blame them for being insensitive to your moods because honestly you can't bring yourself to tell anyone how utterly hopeless you’re feeling.  Not only do you not want to whine and complain every time they do make the effort to call or send you an IM but damn it can’t they see how miserable and scared you are right now??  They tell you to hang in there, things will get better and assure you they are praying for you …but what you really want is for them to take you out to dinner.

Now that’s funny – but it’s so true.  Last week a friend treated me to lunch and a movie and treated me like a person and not someone that needed to be pitied or taken care of.  Not only did she get me out of the house for a few hours; she didn’t make me feel like a charity case. She let me keep my dignity while she picked up the tab for everything – including picking me up at my house so I didn’t have to use my gas.  For the first time in awhile I not only had something to look forward to, but I had a reason to put something on other than sweat pants and an oversized shirt (and the movie was GREAT!).  When I get out of this mess I’m in, I’m going to have to find a way to pay her kindness forward.

By the way, please don’t think I turn down the invites for all those street festival concerts or movies in the park, etc. because I don’t want to go – more often than not that’s anything but the case.  Keep in mind that just because the event is free it doesn’t always mean that attending won’t cost some money (that I just might not have at that time).  Again it’s the little things that you take for granted (can you bring your own drinks/food to the event?  what does it cost to park?  etc.) that I have to take into consideration.   Keep inviting me though – who knows I might be able to make it happen & I’d love to have someone else to talk to other than my dust bunnies and the spiders in the corner.

*Sigh*… Look, I meant what I said when I started this thing – being unemployed (when you don’t want to be) royally sucks.  I try to stay busy with volunteer work (Red Cross and Cabarrus County Literacy Council) but there are still days when (even if I stay in my pjs) it’s hard for me to come up with a good enough reason to pull myself out of bed.  In my head I know there are other people that are in worse shape than I am, that I need to keep plugging along as best as I can… but if you were to call me just at the right (or wrong) moment you’d be hard pressed to convince me of that.  There are some days when I have why me, I did everything right on a continual loop in my head & I can’t get past it.

…and if you happen to call/IM/Skype me on one of those days I wish you’d let me have those feelings.  Don’t make me feel guilty for being terrified of having to move back to VA to live with my Dad at the age of 43 (or worse – not even being able to AFFORD to run back home).  Give me 20 minutes to cry on your shoulder about how discouraged I am at that moment in time & I promise you I’ll change the subject back to you (if for no other reason but to get the spot light off me).

… if you can do that for me, I promise not to put up much of a fight when you offer to pay for a dinner once in awhile.  :)