Today turned out to be one of those “I want my Mommy” days
that I haven’t had since I was maybe 6 years old (if even then) so I did what
most people do these days; I posted a picture of us when I
was young (if 10 is still considered young) on my Facebook profile.
Bill told me this morning (ironically through Facebook chat)
that another woman asked him out and he wanted to know what to do about
it. Seriously, what am I supposed to say
to that? The decision had already been made or he wouldn’t have said anything
to me right? I know how I feel about
him/us – but as the song says I can’t
make you love me.
That’s a bit harsh. I
do believe he loves me, I honestly do.
If I were to step back and look at this as if I didn’t have a stake in
how things turned out, I would say it makes sense for him to go out with this
woman. Hell he was married for 25 years
& we started going out barely six months after his divorce was final. (Stop laughing at me – yes I know you’re not
supposed to fall in love with someone in that situation…I know, I know, I
know. I’m getting what I deserve for
being so stupid.) We started going out
in November (exclusive officially New Year’s Eve), why would he want to jump
into another long term situation without dating several other people first?
Logically that all makes sense. However it doesn’t stop me from feeling like
I’m loosing my best friend all over again.
I keep wondering about something Penny told me when we first
started going out “don’t give him enough rope to hang himself”. Funny thing though, I was worried about his
unresolved feelings regarding his ex-wife – not someone new. I sure as hell didn’t see that coming.
After talking to Bill, all I wanted to do was call Mom and
ask her if it would be ok if I came home for the weekend (and if so would she
make me lasagna and/or chicken salad). I
know I would spend the six hour drive listening to the RENT and Phantom of the Opera
soundtracks singing at the top of my lungs and crying every minute. Once I got there she’d never ask me why I
wanted to come home, why I wanted her to make my favorite foods and she
wouldn’t force me to talk to her. By the
time I was ready to come back home she would have given me advice on this
unemployment thing and made me feel better about things with Bill even if I
never opened my mouth.
…and I would do all of that if she hadn’t died in ’98 from
lung cancer.
Janie commented (very nicely I might add) on my picture “Even tho she is not physically with you, she is always looking
down on you and so proud of all you have accomplished.” I can’t help but think just the
opposite. Mom would have kicked me in
the ass for the last two years, and there’s no way she would condone my
spending the day in bed under the covers crying over “some man”. (She was the one that always told me to keep
a cast iron frying pan on my stove because no matter what bad situation you
find yourself in with a guy ‘he has to go to sleep sometime’.) Mom was Madea long before there was a Madea;
I just didn’t know/appreciate it then.
I don’t want that to sound more
violent than it is. As far as I know
there was never any abuse in her history, but I do think she’d seen women being
taken advantage of by the men that they loved.
Because of that I always had the ‘you don’t need a man to take care of
you’ speech. Part of that was she wanted
to let me know how much harder it was going to be for me as a black woman (and
I will always appreciate that lesson) and she didn’t want me to ‘fall into the
stereotype’ of pushing out kids just to keep a man around (and that was the
80’s can you imagine what she’d say now?!?).
So where does that leave me right
now? Honestly I really don’t know. There’s nothing I can do about Bill; he has
to do what he has to do for him. …and if
I really love him like I say I do then I would want him to be happy even if
it’s not with me. That’s going to take
some time – I’m no freaking saint. I’m
going to have a hard time seeing any Facebook status messages about how much
fun he’s having with whomever he’s going out with. Sigh…
…as for the job thing…I really don’t
have a clue what to do about that anymore.
I called the Employment Security Commission today to get myself added
onto the list for the free training they offer.
I’m going to have to fight my way into it because they don’t offer this
to people that already have college degrees (and silly me has two). I’m going to try though. I want to finish the HIT program that I
started at CPCC. I know if I can get
that done & pass the certification exam I would have no problem getting and
keeping a job. The only problem is that
the next meeting is 5/21… I’m not sure I’m going to have a place to live then.
I’ve applied for over 105 jobs since
March 1st. Yesterday I went
to BP’s office and put in an application.
Today I even filled out apps for Pilot truck stops and Quick Trip gas
station. I know they are only part time
jobs but I need something fast.
Hopefully if I can get some real income coming in, and I can get into
the NC Stars program I’ll be able to finish the degree in a year?
I just need a break of some kind
some how. I promise not to squander it
or take it for granted. I don’t want a
hand out, I’m willing to work for everything, I just need a chance to prove
myself.
…ok so maybe Janie was right and Mom
is looking out for me afterall. Is it bad form to wish I had some of her chicken salad?
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