9/26/2012 8:43 PM

I know it’s been while since I’ve updated to say things have been crazy would be an understatement.  Let’s see how much I can put out there tonight & maybe if I’m still dealing with a case of diarrhea of the fingers I’ll do some more later this week.

School:  Believe it or not I’ve kept my kaper chart schedule in tact for the most part.  The study group for BIO is on Wednesday nights at 7 for at least 30 minutes.  I can’t say that it’s very helpful because there are only two of us in it & to be honest this class is not the first priority for either one of us.  On the flip side being that there are only two of us in the group we can actually work together on when we want to meet or if something comes up we can text each other and reschedule (we only have to meet once a week for at least 30 minutes).

As for the rest of my classes, believe it or not I seem to be hanging in there – surprise surprise!  Yes, I’m honestly surprised.  Don’t get me wrong, I have to work my butt off in BIO (science just isn’t my thing) and Med Terminology (I’ve never been good at memorizing things for the sake of memorizing) but my grades aren’t all that bad.  I know where I’m going to not do so well & instead of spending all my time on that, I focus on the things that I know I do well or could do better if I spend a few more minutes working on.  For example the cell section in my BIO class was going to kick my ass no matter how much time I spent on it.  So instead I focused on the terminology and critical thinking portions of the exams and let the lecture part go.

I have to admit the core class (Health Data Systems and Standards) is my favorite.  There’s a ton more reading (I don’t think I’ve completed the entire reading for any module yet.) but it’s also more hands on.  I also believe that all the time I spent in IT at TLSP & Epixtar is helping out tremendously.  I don’t need to learn about databases and how they are created, maintained or secured; I did that for the past 10 years or so.  Same thing goes for learning what data is considered private and who can or can not request information; I got that.  J  It gives me time to work on the medical stuff that I don’t know…and for the most part that’s even kind of interesting.

The COM class for me is a waste of time.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m above this class or anything, I just wish I didn’t have to take it.  (I did graduate Catwaba College with an English degree afterall; I know how important communication is.)  Unfortunately I needed 12 hours for the WIA program and this was the only elective listed that I haven’t already taken in my zillions of years of college education. That only means that it should be an easy A (or at least a high B) and will bring up the GPA of the rest of the classes right?

Job:  There isn’t any good news on this front; in fact I’ve had nothing but bad news.  I’ve had 4 interviews (including one yesterday) since I started looking March 1^st.  I got my last unemployment payment Tuesday unless I get another miracle and it’s extended again (I’m not holding my breath that it will happen.).  The food stamps (all $16 a month) also expire at the end of October.  Monday I’m going back to DHSS in hopes that I will qualify for the Free Clinic so that I can see a doctor (I’m 6 months late for having the diabetes checked, 3 months late for the pap smear recheck and overdue for both the dentist and ophthalmologist.)  and while I’m there I’m going to see if I can have the food stamps extended.  Yes I know $16 isn’t a lot of money but it helps and right now I can use all the help I can get.

Dad:  Things have gone from bad to worse with him in some ways.  He was doing well enough with his physical and occupational therapy (for his right hand) that they scheduled a home visit the Tuesday after Memorial Day.  That’s when the therapists go with the patient and a family member back to the home & watch them maneuver around the house, doing their daily things & evaluate how well they do them.  It’s supposed to give them a goal of what therapy still needs to be accomplished before they’re released.  The visit didn’t go as well as either Dad or I had hoped; both of us had to realize that he may not be able to do some of the things he was able to do before the fall & he had to accept the fact that he’s going to need help in the house if he wants to continue living on his own (at least for the short term).  He seemed to be ok with that a lot easier than I thought he would be, but then again that fall really scared him (when he’s the one that suggested getting a medical alert system you know he was scared). 

Dad was probably a week out from being released when he picked up a nasty (as if there is any other kind) case of Clostridium difficile.  After having the symptoms for over a week they finally decided it might be a good idea to test him and figure out what was going on.  It took four days for the test to come back and 10 days of isolation and for the first round of antibiotics to go through.  The other day the facility called to tell me that he still isn’t well and they’ve ordered another 15 days of the antibiotic.  He’s also having an issue with his heart rate slowing and no one seems to know what the deal is with that.  Today when I called him he was complaining about his ankles being swollen (which were what started all of these hospital visits to begin with).  …oh and did I mention that the doctor came in to see him one day and decided that because he was holding his right hand he was depressed and put him on an antidepressant.  The doctor was supposed to call me almost two weeks ago, but she hasn’t… and of course Dad doesn’t want me to make a fuss.  Pretty soon though he’s going to have to let me do it – we’re not getting answers & I don’t like it.

Bill:  …yeah I’m still not sure what to say about this one.  He left me.  That sounds so strange to say, but I don’t know how else to put it.  I can’t say he broke up with me because to be honest with you he didn’t.

Ok so what happened?  I don’t really know.  Things were going good for us, we were better than we’d been in months; so I thought.  There were a few weeks of the summer left, Levi was with his mom & Bill & I were spending more time with each other – just doing normal stuff.  He got a full time job working as a lab facilitator in early college education in the high schools – a perfect job for him.  I could tell that he was freaking out a little about working full time for the first time in several years but I thought that was all that it was – evidently I was wrong.

He surprised me by coming over here the Friday before he started (Tuesday after Memorial Day); especially since we had plans to spend Sunday at his house watching the games (first week of the season).  Everything was fine until he got ready to leave and I could tell something was wrong; he wouldn’t look at me & he was fighting back tears.  I wouldn’t let him leave – something told me just don’t let him go until he talks to you.  He that he didn’t want me to panic but that he was worried about the job, that he knew things were going to be different, but things were going to be ok.  I kissed him and let him go. 

Had I known it was going to be the last time I’d see or talk to him, I would have never let him leave.

Our schedules got in the way and we didn’t really talk much that first week of his new job. … at least that’s what I thought was happening – 2 months later & I’m not so sure.  Long story short he stopped calling, answering emails, or texts, and blocked me from his Facebook.  Eventually I got an email saying that he & his ex had been talking and he was sure they were going to get back together.  …only to be followed by another email saying that he didn’t see a future with her or a future with me and that he needed more time.  Not a word since.

The silence is deafening.

As dramatic as this is going to sound it’s the way I feel.  He told me that dealing with his feelings for his ex was like learning to live as an amputee.  I told him that I felt like his amputated limb; cut off and tossed away.  I believe he loved me.  I believe we may have had a chance at something real and good.  What I don’t understand is how it can all end so suddenly; how he could do to me what he always told me he was afraid I would do to him.  What she did to him…. ironically what he’s done to me.

*sigh*… on that note I think this is as good as place as any to stop with the updates.  Assuming anyone is still reading, it’s past your bedtime.  Sweet dreams.

9/26/2012 11:07 PM

Kaper Chart

*Deep breath*

It's taken all day (who am I kidding I was up at 2 in the morning putting the bookcase together) but I think I've finally worked out a schedule for my classes that won't kill me (or at the very least will kill me slowly). Part of me knows I'm WAY over my head here (it's been 12 years since I took a full college load & then I had an awesome support system) but I also know this is pretty much my last chance at becoming a productive member of society again (unless I win the lottery & then all bets are off  :) ).

All the big "experts" say when you're making big changes you need to 'put it out there'.  The idea behind that is so that hopefully those close to you will keep you on track and support you as well as hold you accountable.  So here is my game plan for the fall semester:

• Sunday - Football
• Monday - COM 110 (Introduction to Communication)
• Tuesday - Look for a job
• Wednesday - HIT 114 (Health Data Systems and Standards)
• Thursday - tutoring, job searching & COM on campus class 
• Friday - BIO 165 (Anatomy & Physiology I)
• Saturday - MED 122 - Medical Terminology II

The idea is to spend the entire day doing the work for the week due that week, studying, catching up, yadda yadda yadda.  I've also had to sign up for a study group (hasn't met yet) that I need to add into the mix at some point. The online classes (HIT 114, BIO 165, and MED 122) have online exams that I will require I adjust my schedule a little bit.  Most of them are no more than 60 minutes long (and trust me that's not as long as you might think it would be) so that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

...and of course if I'm offered a job - this entire schedule could be (as Yosemite Sam used to say) blown to smithereens! (Job gods, don't let my work today stop you from making a reasonable offer.).

Dad's latest adventure

8/10/2012 9:09 PM

Last Friday Dad’s right knee “gave out” on him while he was reaching for his cell phone that he left on his bathroom’s windowsill.  His trusty walker “went out one way” and he went down to his knees landing hard on his right side.  There is still a discussion as to how long he was down; the medical staff at DePaul seems to think it could have been as long as 7 hours, he and his friend Pam don’t believe it was more than 2-3 hours.

Speaking of Pam, she was the one that found him.  Luckily for Dad, Friday was one of those night she “just stops by” as she put it to me today.  She came to the patio door, saw that his chair was up, but she didn’t see him.  She waited a few minutes thinking he was in the bathroom but when he didn’t come back in what she felt was a reasonable amount of time she started banging on the door and calling his name.  Eventually she heard him call help, forced the patio door open & called 911.

Doorway between the bathroom and bedroom where Dad fell.

Because of the way and where Dad landed (on his stomach) the EMTs basically had to drag him across both the bathroom and bedroom floors in order to get him up in a sitting position.  (They put a sheet under his hips and stomach and dragged him out of into the middle of bedroom floor.)  In the process the majority of the skin on the right side of his face, his left elbow and forearm have been scraped off.  From his shoulder to the top of his pants on his right side looks like it was used as Mike Tyson’s punching bag.  His right had has closed in on itself. The doctors agree it is nerve damage but they aren’t sure if it’s permanent or something they can work to get back.  …and all of this is a week after the fact!

Once he was freed from the fall (what else would you call it?) he asked to be taken to DePaul.  While there they found out he was dehydrated, anemic, had fluid in his lungs and around his heart, had a UTI, a kidney infection and his right knee is basically bone on bone.  They have mentioned surgery to repair (that doesn’t sound like the correct word to me) the issue with his heart and obviously having the knee replaced would correct that issue.  Unfortunately neither surgery is an option until they can work on rehabbing his right side enough to be able to function again.  There are also other health issues that have to be resolved before we can even consider either surgery. … in other words that’s WAY down the road.

DePaul transferred him to Envoy at Thorton Hall Thursday night for rehab.  It wasn’t 10 minutes after I got there that I got to see him stand on his own (granted he needed help getting out of the bed, but part of that I think was the bed too) and lower into a wheelchair.  They will have to work on his hand (dominate) and teach him how to walk without damaging the left leg any more and saving what is left of his right knee.

That’s where things stand now.  I’ll try to keep you posted as things change.  Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Question

I've been reading quite a few plus size blogs the last few years & I've come away with lots of great information.  There really is something to be said for finding a community of people that understand what you're dealing with - even if you've never met them before.

But here's the problem.  When it comes to being a plus-sized woman in today's society there are somethings that are universal.  While I love these bloggers & the extra boost they've given me to try things that I wouldn't have otherwise tried most of these women are from the big cities (NY, Chicago, San Fran, etc) and mid to late 20's.... I wonder if  anyone out there writing from the older woman's (40's) perspective?  Someone out there has to have a favorite blog they'd like to pass on, right?

The Wolf Gift Review

Not my favorite Anne Rice book, in fact truth be told I really didn't like it at all.  Maybe it's not fair, but I hold Rice to a higher standard than I do most of my other favorite authors, and this just wasn't up to snuff. As much as it pains me to say this story has such great potential for a new series from Rice but it comes across as very good first draft when compared to her previous catalog.

It lacked all the character development that makes Rice worth reading. She has a way of making you fall in love with her characters; regardless of their good or evil souls and that just didn’t happen this time.  Reuben comes across as flat and fumbling through life when he meets the mysterious and beautiful Marchent.  However once she is murdered in a bungled robbery (that never seems to make sense even though unfortunately is the genesis for the rest of the book) he goes back to being a rather flat and predictable character. There were characters that hardly deserved to be part of the story (Celeste/Mort, and even Laura) and others that I wish I’d gotten to know better (Reuben, Jim, Grace, Felix, Marchent and even Galton). 

The last several chapters felt like a rush job.  Reuben’s relationship with Laura ended up taking a back seat (and for the most part erased) to the introduction of five new characters that we never really got to know before the book ended.  Where Rice is usually so brilliant with discussing religion, philosophy and faith without it feeling like you’re sitting in an introduction to religion class she completely misses the mark this time.  Margon’s revelation of the origins of the “gift” offered no surprises or any explanations that the reader (and especially Laura) hadn’t already figured out. 

I had a hard time believing in Reuben as a main character.  I can’t count the number of times I had to go back and see how old he was supposed to be (23) because even before the “gift” he seemed to be at least 10 years older.  (What 23 year old has the means and understanding of computers and the 24 hr news cycles but isn’t connected to all social media?)  For me Jim and Grace (as well as their relationship with Reuben) were the most interesting characters (does Grace know? how does Jim handle not being able to say anything?) and yet those relationships are never explored. 

…and there were the “little” things that just bugged the hell out of me.  This story takes place in present times however Reuben works for a newspaper?  The ‘pack’ has an airstrip just above Fort Bragg even though the entire tail takes place in California?  Laura’s entrance and exit from the story.  If you blinked you may have missed Marchent’s family’s role in the history…. and I won’t even go into how the book ends.

All in all this will not be one of Rice’s books that I will be rereading.

I'm getting a kick out of the number of luke warm to cold reviews (& one that was just "shocked it was so dirty") for "Magic Mike" on my Facebook feed this morning. Most are complaining that it was too raunchy/sexual for them with too many unnecessary curse words (esp. the 'f' word) flying around.

I've seen so many (4) like this so far this morning (it's only 7:30 am) that I'm starting to wonder... Isn't "Magic Mike" the one about the male strippers? The same movie Joe Manganiello couldn't even say his character's name on Live with Kelly? ...and has an R rating? #justsaying

Being unemployed just sucks…

There’s really no other way to say it – it just f’n sucks!

Just before I was about to clock out for lunch on February 29^th, I was called to the office manager’s office.  This was not a normal request – in fact such a request had only been made one other time in the nine months I worked with the firm.  To say my departure was a surprise would be an understatement.  I was working on two projects, had another on my desk waiting for me to get to it and I was actually excited about the two guys that were starting that day in my department because I thought that finally meant things were going to calm down for me a bit so that I would be able to catch up with everything.

…she had to say it twice… we’re going to have to let you go... because I couldn’t believe it.  How in the world can she fire me – I didn’t even have the time to sit in the office right then and there; I was falling behind as it was!  (That would have gone over well I don’t have time for you to fire me right now, I have too much work to do!) But then it hit me; for the first time in my life I’d been fired.  Not only was I going to be escorted back to my desk to pack up all my belongings (“are you going to need more than one box?”) but the health insurance I’d finally qualified for (and desperately needed) and the paychecks I worked my arse off to get were all gone just that fast.

One hundred and eighteen days later & I’m starting to realize that compensation was not all I lost that day.  It’s almost cliché to say loosing that job (especially the way it happened) did something to my self-esteem in ways that I was not prepared for.  It’s bad enough that I don’t have a reason to set the alarm before I go to bed anymore but it’s something totally different when it’s because someone doesn’t think I copy, scan and file well enough to keep me on the payroll.  Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to put on a job application that you were fired from a job you only held nine months and the only thing you did those nine months was print out documents and put them in a three ring binder??  (Don’t worry, I have come up with a line worthy of our current presidential candidates: Changes in the firm required someone with a legal and engineering background in my position.)

Recently though I’ve started to realize the worse part about being unemployed is the loneliness; especially for someone like me who lives alone.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had someone ask me about my ‘bout of unemployment’ as if it was a medical issue that I was dealing with.  “How are you holding up?” they’ll whisper like the did in the days of black and white tvs as if I have ‘the cancer’ or something else equally dreadful.  I know they mean well (You’d think with the economy as sluggish as it has been for the past few years we as a society would be better at talking about this than we are.) but they don’t know what to say to me any more than I do when someone close to me has a death in their family.

…death… you know, come to think of it, that’s exactly what this feels like some days; a slow lingering, painful death.  There’s the normal stress of not being able to keep the lights on, the water running and/or a roof over your head (not to mention gas in the tank in case you get that rare interview or food in the fridge so you don’t pass out during that elusive interview) but no one talks about the loneliness of being unemployed.  

Even if you dislike everyone you work with and hate what you do 40+ hours a week, there is always some sort of face to face interaction with SOMEBODY.  That’s something you take for granted when you live alone and for all intents and purposes have no place to go for weeks on end.  No stopping for coffee on your way into work, chit chatting over the water cooler about the tv shows you watched the night before, going out to lunch with fellow cubemates complaining about the amount of work your manager expects you to do, and no one to call on the way home to see if you need to pick anything up for dinner.  Instead when you’re unemployed (especially for as long as I have been) you can stay in your pjs all day long while you spend 8 hours combing the job boards looking for any place to send your resume.  You spend the next 4 hours calling the utility companies begging for more time to catch up while hoping the cell phone company won’t cut you off mid-conversation.  Sometimes you have to remember to put a bra on before walking out to get the mail & other days you just don’t care. 

You may make the effort to keep in touch with friends the first few weeks of your “vacation” but after while you just don’t see the point.  It doesn’t take long to run out of ways to answer the “any leads yet” question and truth be told it’s pretty depressing to listen about all the fun adventures your friends are going on.  Sometimes your Facebook friends will forget that cable was one of the things you had to give up which means you’re constantly repeating why you aren’t following the new show that the whole world seems to be talking about.  Or one of your long distance friends will call to catch up & you’ll hear that uncomfortable silence on the other end of the phone when you explain that you haven’t been to any of the festival concerts because you can’t afford the tickets anymore.

You know your friends mean well.  They want the best for you; they’re pulling for you and even sending as any opportunities your way they come across.  You can’t blame them for being insensitive to your moods because honestly you can't bring yourself to tell anyone how utterly hopeless you’re feeling.  Not only do you not want to whine and complain every time they do make the effort to call or send you an IM but damn it can’t they see how miserable and scared you are right now??  They tell you to hang in there, things will get better and assure you they are praying for you …but what you really want is for them to take you out to dinner.

Now that’s funny – but it’s so true.  Last week a friend treated me to lunch and a movie and treated me like a person and not someone that needed to be pitied or taken care of.  Not only did she get me out of the house for a few hours; she didn’t make me feel like a charity case. She let me keep my dignity while she picked up the tab for everything – including picking me up at my house so I didn’t have to use my gas.  For the first time in awhile I not only had something to look forward to, but I had a reason to put something on other than sweat pants and an oversized shirt (and the movie was GREAT!).  When I get out of this mess I’m in, I’m going to have to find a way to pay her kindness forward.

By the way, please don’t think I turn down the invites for all those street festival concerts or movies in the park, etc. because I don’t want to go – more often than not that’s anything but the case.  Keep in mind that just because the event is free it doesn’t always mean that attending won’t cost some money (that I just might not have at that time).  Again it’s the little things that you take for granted (can you bring your own drinks/food to the event?  what does it cost to park?  etc.) that I have to take into consideration.   Keep inviting me though – who knows I might be able to make it happen & I’d love to have someone else to talk to other than my dust bunnies and the spiders in the corner.

*Sigh*… Look, I meant what I said when I started this thing – being unemployed (when you don’t want to be) royally sucks.  I try to stay busy with volunteer work (Red Cross and Cabarrus County Literacy Council) but there are still days when (even if I stay in my pjs) it’s hard for me to come up with a good enough reason to pull myself out of bed.  In my head I know there are other people that are in worse shape than I am, that I need to keep plugging along as best as I can… but if you were to call me just at the right (or wrong) moment you’d be hard pressed to convince me of that.  There are some days when I have why me, I did everything right on a continual loop in my head & I can’t get past it.

…and if you happen to call/IM/Skype me on one of those days I wish you’d let me have those feelings.  Don’t make me feel guilty for being terrified of having to move back to VA to live with my Dad at the age of 43 (or worse – not even being able to AFFORD to run back home).  Give me 20 minutes to cry on your shoulder about how discouraged I am at that moment in time & I promise you I’ll change the subject back to you (if for no other reason but to get the spot light off me).

… if you can do that for me, I promise not to put up much of a fight when you offer to pay for a dinner once in awhile.  :)