I'm not the bad guy; this is not my fault

Nothing like the first phone call of the day letting you know despite all my efforts there's no way I'm going to be able to stop the shit storm coming down on Dad.  It was basically a courtesy call to say the facility is applying for all of his income in order to pay for his continued residency there.  Once again the Director of Social Work ended the call by saying "if you were here...".

In a rare burst of public honesty here - as much as I love Dad I'm really tired of being the bad guy.  What would change if I could afford to be there?  Nothing.  He'd still be in a situation where he can't get out of bed by himself, he still wouldn't be able to walk & he'd still have all of his income/assets taken away against his will.  If I couldn't make him stop drinking (after 60+ years) and/or take his medicine when I was there for 9 months during his hip surgery how in the hell do you think I could change things now?!?!

That being said for those of you in my generation... start talking to your parents NOW about everything.  Don't get hit in the face with things like I did, start the conversation now.  Get those Durable POA, Medical POAs, DNRs done now.  Start putting your name on their accounts (I've been trying to cancel Cox since MARCH all the while they keep charging him) so you can take care of business when the time comes.  It doesn't matter if your 'rents aren't sick now - what if they're in a car accident? trip on the sidewalk on the way to work?  ....and for those of you with siblings - there's enough stuff to be done that it shouldn't fall on one person's shoulders.  Get over it and share the responsibilities.

And for the parents on my page - quit being so stubborn.  No one is trying to take over your life we just want to give you the life you want and deserve.  (Trust me we have enough on our plates trying to keep our worlds turning we don't need to try and control yours as well.) You're going to have to help us help you or the choices are going to be made for you.  Tell your kids (or whomever your advocate is) where the info is, who carries the policies on the house, who the mortgage is through, how things are paid, etc.

And for the younger ones on my page, your parents aren't immortal.  There will be a time when you are going to have to be the grown-up and take care of them.  Start asking questions, start paying attention.  The time may come when you will need to be their advocate & you need to be ready.  The internet is a powerful tool but you are still going to have to get on the  phone and talk to people.  Make sure you know how to talk to those that have the power to do what you need done.  Your world is not in that little box in your hands you can't take your eyes off of.

Being the only child of an elderly parent in poor health f'n sucks.

           Monday at 11:45 I received a voice mail message from Joyce Williams that she wanted to get Dad’s “team” together at 1 pm and go over his progress with me; she would call me again just before 1 and have everyone on speaker phone.  The problem was I didn’t get the message until 1:15 while I was on lunch during my clinicals.  I immediately called her back and wouldn’t you know it, I got her voice mail.  At first I was pissed that they conducted the meeting without me, but then it hit me there is no way they could have conducted the meeting in less than 15 minutes.  Then I was really mad; who sets up a meeting like this at the last minute without giving the family notice?  We’ve been through this stuff before over the last few years, there are protocols and calendars to organize – no one can get 3 or 4 department heads together that quickly.

Yes, I spent the last 10 minutes of my lunch leaving a very angry and nasty message on Ms. Williams’ voice mail explaining my displeasure in very loud and not so nice terms (the language was all PG-13, they do still have Dad afterall).  I just let her know that I didn’t appreciate the last minute notice on something that was so very important & I’d appreciate at least a phone call that checked my schedule as well as everyone else’s.  After my clinicals I called Kris to vent (he’s very good at listening to me vent these last few months; I’m really going to have to do something nice for him soon) and then I called Dad to find out what happened at the meeting.  “What meeting” he said.  I had a feeling he didn’t know anything about it since he hadn’t mentioned it the day before when we talked, but I also didn’t want to make it seem to him like I was keeping things away from him.  I told him about the voice mail & he was understandably upset.  Not only did they not tell him about the meeting, he had no idea they were calling me in on it without him. 

Ms. Williams called Tuesday literally 2 minutes before I was to clock in at work to let me know Dad was “very upset” and she wanted to “apologize for the short notice yesterday” and to try to schedule another meeting at my convenience.  (I didn’t know until this morning when I talked to him that he used the colorful language I didn’t on her. J )  The make-up meeting was set up for noon Wednesday.

One the call was the Director of Rehab, Nursing, and of course the facility Business Manager.  Dad was not on the call, in the room nor had anyone talked to him before they talked to me.  I was told they wanted to talk to me first (as his next of kin and holder of his power of attorney) and then they would tell him what we all discussed.  …ok so now I know Dad has not been exaggerating about being kept in the dark in the least little bit.  Great – this is not going to be a fun time for any of us.

 The director of rehab started out by telling me about Dad’s progress since he came to the facility.  It was slow going, but they were making progress; he was able to walk around 50’ with the use of a walker without really stopping to rest.  His occupational therapy was going well too; he was able to dress himself again, he did need help with the lower extremities (always has since the hip surgery so that wasn’t too much of a surprise), but they were making progress.  What derailed the progress was the fluid in his legs and abdomen that was not only holding him back physically it was causing him pain. (No joke really – he’s only been complaining about that since he ended up in the hospital – oh wait that was the major reason he WAS in the hospital!)  Since then he hasn’t even been able to get out of bed by himself or with the help of 2 aides; they are now having to use a hoya lift to get him out of bed.  He has lost all balance and is unable to stand alone.  She even made mention of the fact that he’s been complaining of pain in his wrist (the right one that has been damaged since his fall & the reason I’m having to take care of all of his bills & things). 

Then she dropped the hammer.  Per Medicare guidelines since he is no longer making any progress in his rehabilitation nor does it seem like he wants to make any progress, they are no longer able to report to Medicare (which pays 100% for the first 21 days and then 80% for days 21-100; his secondary insurance picks up the remaining 20%) that he needs continuing care.  It’s not that he’s ready to be released it’s that he’s not meeting the insurance guidelines that will allow either insurance to continue paying for his care.  Bottom line if he’s going to continue there or be release to an assisted living facility and/or nursing home it’s going to start coming out of pocket in the next two weeks or so.

The Business Manager was next on the line to reiterate what the Rehab Director stated.  They needed to start looking at Dad’s options financially… and now.  Basically I have until the end of the month, maybe until the 15^th to figure out how to keep him where he is to the tune of an $8000 price tag.  She did suggest we start the Medicaid application because that does take 45 days to complete let alone find out if you’re approved.  She did “warn” me that once he’s approved (if he’s approved) they will take everything leaving him $40 a month for spending money.  The rational is that since they are paying for all his needs (room, board, and medical) he shouldn’t need any of his money for anything else.  (Which makes sense in one way – until you look at the responsibilities you have outside basic needs to survive.  And yes I said survive because if you ask me this is no way to live – no way what so ever.)  All of his income; retirement, social security and yes the rental property would go to his care and the rest would be picked up by Medicaid. 

I thought I had more time to save the old house at least, but I don’t.  I knew we were going to be cutting it close because they go back and look at your financials for the last five years but I thought I had time to sell the house and at least pay off his bills completely with the money.  I talked to the lawyer that did the POAs for a few minutes this morning.  I was hoping I would be able to move the house into my name and give me time to sell it, but he said that wasn’t going to work.  He also said that since I had POA, I didn’t need to move it, I just needed to sell it; although he did agree the faster the better.  Funny thing, he felt it would be better to sell the one he’s living in first and then the old house.  Damn I hate that idea b/c there are still some things in that house that I want.  Guess I better start figuring out how to make that trip home aye?  Anyone want to help me go through Dad’s house?  Yeah I didn't think so but can't blame a girl for asking.

Dad Update 4/12/13

Dad update April 12, 2013

Yesterday Dad had a paracentesis (procedure to remove abdominal fluid is removed) and today first thing in the morning he called complaining about being in pain.  J Yes I know I shouldn’t be happy about being awakened at o’dark thirty by Dad’s ringtone, but this time he gets a pass.  This was the first major procedure that he’s been through since the hip surgery that was not there for & even though in my head I knew that despite the risks it was relatively safe and routine procedure.

So far the swelling in this stomach has gone down (he says he only looks 5 months pregnant now) as well as in the right leg.  They will be testing the fluid for all the usual suspects (cancer, liver & kidney disease and heart failure).  Dad’s completely frustrated because no one will tell him why this happened other than ‘your drinking’.  …and of course I haven’t been able to convince him that 60 years of constant alcohol consumption will eventually take a toll on the body and it’s organs.  He’s still in cardiac heart failure (goes to see the cardiologist on the 16^th) and kidney failure now.  Surprisingly so far *knock on wood* he hasn’t had liver damage (yes surprise I know).  We should know more once the fluid is completely drained and tested.

I'll post more when I know more. 

Guilty pleasure or cheap therapy?

The one thing I look forward to more than football on Sunday mornings is Postsecret.  At first I thought it was just a way to satisfy my voyeuristic side but as the years go by I've noticed that it's a way to validate my feelings of being alone - by realizing I'm not... not really.

The other night I had a dream that even now I can pretty much remember with more detail than I'm comfortable with.  The long and short of it is that everyone I know/knew was on this huge farm having a family fun day type thing.  Friends, ex- friends, ex-boyfriends, their kids, sig ots, dogs, cats... yeah I'm serious.  People I'd been friends with for decades were talking with other friends of mine that they'd never met.  It was as if it was a family reunion and everyone was glad to see everyone else.  The kids were all playing frisbee, volleyball or football together.  I remember walking from one conversation to another as my everyone talked about their common interests even though they really had no way of knowing that about each other.  It was a good feeling.

The 'scene' that still gets to me was when I needed to go for a beer run.  I jumped in McGyver (a '70 Buick Skylark that Andy gave me when I moved to NC -the favorite of all my cars) with both Bill and Dave.  We got lost going to the store but we did a lot of talking and laughing - even though as far as I know neither of those guys have ever crossed paths.  I still haven't figured out why the two people that have hurt me more than anyone on this planet would be in this last scene of the dream.  I can hear Mom whispering in one ear telling me I have unfinished business with both of them and that I need to reach out to them and deal with it.  On the other shoulder I can hear Kris telling me to walk away, it was just a dream; I can't let them hurt me again. 

So this morning when I saw this secret someone from Australia posted it made me wonder if I'm not paying attention to what the universe (as Mom used to say) is trying to tell me or am I just reaching for some fantasy I'd like to come true.  I've often wondered what I would say/do if either one of them called, sent an email or showed up at my door.  I honestly don't think I would greet them with a smile considering how things ended between us, but ... 

*sigh*... doesn't really matter does it?  They are called fantasies for a reason.

How do you make new friends when you're too old for the playground? - w4m - 43 (CabCo)

Most of my "friends" are either married, have kids or are in another time zone. The rest are 20 years my senior or 15 my junior. I'm sick of having to work around all of their schedules just to be able to hang out anymore. Problem is I have no idea how to go out and make new friends anymore.

So here's the deal: I'm a HUGE Dallas Cowboys fan, I can drive a stick- shift, I'm a BBW, a metalhead, non-smoker, casual drinker, and I say no to drugs. I've always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle but they scare the crap out of me. I've never been married and don't have any kids. I'm a full-time student (again) & have full-time job with inconvenient hours.

Did I mention that I'm black? Hope that's not a problem.

How would you like to be my friend?

...yep silly me thought I'd give this a go again.  In a weakened state, I thought to myself   "hell it worked once why not try again, what have you got to lose?".  Truth be told I could feel myself going into a very dark space & honestly I was afraid if I went there again this time there would be no crawling out.  I needed something else to focus on other than things with Dad, my grades, the bills, how long is this job going to last (or how long am I going to last in the job)... why not some harmless flirting over email?

I dug out the Craigslist ad that I posted a few years ago (yes the same one that brought Bill and I together) & 'tweaked' it a little bit.  Honestly it's pretty funny to realize after two years nothing really has changed in the grand scheme of things.  I'm not looking to jump back into a relationship - in fact I don't want anything to do with that word.  I was just hoping to find someone that might enjoy a conversation and/or texting hello every once in awhile; someone who's looking for a distraction from life as we know it.

That's so NOT what I got.  In fact the emails I received this go round were so different from a few years ago I had to go back and make sure I didn't post something I didn't intend.  It's the "other" groups that kind of surprised me.

• ·         I received the expected number of perv emails (it is Craigslist afterall) that went straight into the trash without a second thought. 
• ·         Even though this was a dusted off post, I took some time crafting it.  Is it too much to ask that if you're going to take the time to respond you could send more than "I'll be your friend - white guy here.  Write back if you're interested."  I swear - that's the entire email.
• ·         There were about 8-10 that started out "I've always wanted to be with a black girl" or "a big girl"...  Seriously guys (and yes I will speak for both communities for a second), not all of us are so insecure that we will jump in bed with any guy that asks.  If you're attracted to women of color (any) or of size (again any) then go up to someone you're interested in and introduce yourself and smile.  There's no need to lead off with "I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a black woman"; I promise you all the parts are in the same place & have the same function; just don't think you're going to get away with pulling our hair (sorry I couldn't help it).
• ·         Did you notice the part about being friends? or that it was posted in the Strictly Platonic section?  I just want to hang out, go to a movie, maybe a show at the NC Music Factory... talk about the news?  I admit (as the song goes) "I screwed around and fell in love" last time I tried this, but I learned my lesson. I'm not looking for a romantic involvement of ANY kind, I'd just to have someone to talk to every once in awhile.
• ·         There were a surprising number of kids (yes kids – youngest was 21 – the majority were 25-27) that responded.  The scary thought for me were the ones that said they had a girlfriend.  Why the hell are you cruising CL?  One guy actually had the nerve to send this after I told him I wanted friends my own age: Who cares, cool ppl are cool ppl. It's not like I'm trying to suckle from ur tits!! Lol age doesn't matter to me. I'll be anyone friend.
• ·         ...which brings me to my next point - tell me again why you are sending emails in text-speak?  As those guys on ESPN are so fond of saying "C'mon Man".... everyone has a smart phone these days with a full keyboard - not to mention the full keyboard on that neat tablet you're currently using.  There is NO excuse for not typing out the entire word these days.  I'll forgive misspellings (lord knows if the F7 key didn't exist I'd never send out a correctly spelled email), but text-speak in an email goes straight to the trash without the "thanks for responding but you have not been selected to go further in search for a friend process" email.

LOL I can hear Kris now telling me that I'm too damn picky.  Maybe.  Truth be told I need someone around me that can challenge me, someone that won't let me walk all over them.  Someone that will call me out on my crap.  Someone that will disagree with me & even push back when I state my opinion.  Someone that will let me question what they say and not be offended by it.

Damn it …so that's what Adele meant by Never mind, I'll find someone like you.  Maybe in her next album she’ll tell me how to do that?

The plug has been pulled

"I agree it's over"

News, news and more news...

Ok, so here's the situation (and you'll have to forgive the 'history' lesson, but I'm learning it's easier to tell the whole story so I don't have to go back and fill in the 'have you done this yet' questions.  Last January I got insurance w/ Wallace & Graham after being out of work for about 10 months.  I immediately made appointments for all the "maintenance" (dentist, physical, mammogram, etc.) things I hadn't been able to do since Epixtar closed.  I expected to be told the diabetes was out of control (which it was) but I didn't expect the abnormal pap smear (indications of HPV; should clear up on it's own - very common she says).  My doc insisted it was probably nothing but wanted to do a colposcopy just to be sure.  Two long weeks of waiting but it came back clear; I had instructions to come back in 6 months to repeat the pap.  

Unfortunately 2 weeks later I was let go & that was the end of my insurance.  Fast forward another 8 months of unemployment & DSS "suggests" I apply for the charity program sponsored by NorthEast (I "made" too much in unemployment to qualify for any other programs - go figure).  Again I'm going in with the intention of getting the diabetic meds back on track & my doc reminds me that I never came back in for the pap.  Hey while you have this coverage (pays for office visits but I have to pay for the tests - which aren't exactly cheap either) might as well do a full work up while you can she says.  

...and wouldn't you know it, this pap comes back abnormal as well.  Since it's the second one she wanted me to go see a GYN specialist (never had a specialist in my life).  This doc is really nice, reassuring, answers all the questions... but she's still a specialist you know?  Last Thurs (24th) she did another colpo & biopsy and Friday am I got the phone call - it wasn't as she would have liked.  Today I met with her to go over the results & what's next.  She's diagnosed me with mild dysplasia and wants me to go to NorthEast (Evidently I didn't "handle the pain/discomfort" of the colpo & biopsy as well as most (LOL - told you guys I don't DO pain) so she wants me to be more relaxed - mentioned Valium???) for a LEEP procedure.   Penny has graciously agreed to take me next Thursday (2/14) and make sure I get home in one piece. The plan is to go in, remove the abnormal cells, send them to pathology and hope they don't come back cancerous.  Yes she said those words, she's looking for cancer this time.

While I'm at it...let me fill you in on Dad.  Wednesday morning (6:42) I received a phone call from Dad's LifeStation Alert System that he'd been taken to the hospital.  He didn't fall this time, but couldn't get out of bed & stand even with the use of his walker.  He did the right thing by pressing the button and going to the hospital. I spent part of the day trying to find out what was up with him, but he didn't answer his cell as much as I called.  I finally goth through to the ER later that afternoon & was told by the ER charge nurse that she could not give me any information about him (even though I have both a POAs (business & medical)  and I have been on his record for the past 5 years as being the only one to be able to receive information on the phone & I gave the code word) because the EMTs filed a report with Adult Protective Services. She informed me I needed to show up in person (he lives in Norfolk, VA) to receive any information.  I left work, packed a bag and headed home.

I got to DePaul about 10:30 PM, walked in through ER, was given his room number and had no problem going up to see him.  He was surprised to see me, had no idea of the APS filing (or any reason anyone would do it).  I stayed for another 30 minutes and we talked about what info he had on his condition ("they're trying to get the swelling down").   When I got home it took me about 20 seconds to realize why the EMTs felt the need to file the report; it's going to take an act of god to be able to clean this house & make it livable again.  (That's another story and I don't have the time or energy to type it out now.)

Thursday morning's visit was more informative.  He hasn't been taking his meds as prescribed (or at all of that matter).  Since the fall a few months ago he's been in cardiac heart and kidney failure and not taking the diuretics and or the ones that keep his heart beating have caused the fluid around both organs to move to his feet, legs (so much so that he can't stand) and stomach (he looks about 7 months pregnant).  They are doing a cardiac cath tomorrow morning (the same operation the doctor said he wouldn't do unless he stopped drinking ... well we know how that worked out) & of course tons of tests.  I'm probably going to have to at the very least put him in a physical therapy/skilled nursing facility once he's strong enough to leave the hospital and at worse an assisted living facility for the long term. 

The cardiac catherization went as well as could be expected (although for some reason they couldn't go through his wrist as they hoped and had to instead go through his groin).  The good news is that there is no blockage around the valves, etc.  The bad news is that his heart is beating at 25% efficiency & its all because of lifestyle choices.  The cardiologist in no uncertain terms said 1. stop drinking 1. stop using salt 3. take the diuretics & heart meds as prescribed or he will end up back in the hospital sooner than later.  He is basically drowning in his own fluids.  The ICU nurse while he was in recovery said the next thing to look for is "weeping".  The skin can only stretch so far & then the fluid starts seeping out of your skin; looks like little drops of moisture all over your body. 

Unless something else happens (and please don't I can't handle any more) I'm heading back home Sunday morning.  As selfish as it sounds I need to make sure I have a job & get my mind right for this LEEP procedure.  I'm also so far behind with my classes I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to catch up.