Again?

(Once again) I stayed up way too late watching yet another "unthinkable" & cowardly attack (a metal concert; a freaking metal concert - really?!?) on a group of people just out enjoying their lives. Just like all the previous times the hairs on arms stood up when I heard about ordinary folks stepping up & stepping out to help strangers (loved the almost immediate hashtags ‪#‎PorteOuverte‬ (open doors) and ‪#‎StrandedInUS‬ where people literally put their addresses out there for strangers to crash if needed). This morning I tried to avoid the news & posts of support on Facebook and Twitter but there's no avoiding the cartoons (this time I mean the drawings not the politicians) that give the impression of understanding & hope that this time - this time we'll stop the bad guys. I can't imagine living in a world where I can't relax after a rough week; go to the movies or see my favorite band and be more concerned about what the fan next to me is doing instead of what's happening on the screen or stage....and yet that's exactly where I am today.

Tomorrow is another day though.

Coincidence? I think not.

The other day I found my list of New Year's resolutions; # 6:Get Book 2 out. The next day I received an email about a 30 year reunion of what secretly I've always nicknamed my St. Elmo's Fire friends (one of which gave me the journal that houses book 2 & another's birthday is today).

I've been working on #6 a good part of today.  It's a lot harder than the first one because even though it's taken a hell of alot longer to get to this point (as Amber​ will confirm) it turns out things I haven't thought about since I put them in the book are coming to the surface as if they just happened.  Why is that even possible??

...so I'm typing up the lyrics to Total Eclipse of the Heart & of course I remember why it made it into the book; but somewhere between the 3rd and 4th "Turn Around" that memory is replaced by something more "recent".  I don't know if that's the work of good songwriting or proof that we are doomed to repeat our history.

House​ says there's no such thing as coincidence.

I could have used this article a few months ago.... passing on for anyone else in this situation.

The article Depression & diabetes showed up in my Facebook newsfeed awhile ago.  I honestly wish it showed up back in February when I felt my world had blown up (again).  (For those that missed the drama; I'd just bought a house & was told I was going to be unemployed.  Considering the last time I was unemployed nearly killed me - not an exaggeration - I was not my usual happy jolly self.)

Everything about this article is right on point.... except for one thing (and I'll get to that in a minute). Going to the movies (not sitting at home watching a movie - physically going & buying a ticket, popcorn and a drink) helped me.  Once I even asked someone to go with me, and even though it didn't help as much as I would have liked, the act of asking, going, STAYING helped considerably.  Reading also helped.  Not the five or ten minutes mentioned in the article...but a page.  Honestly I read a page, (sometimes two on a good day) for about three weeks.  For whatever reason, it was all I could manage at the time.  ...and apples.... apples smothered in peanut butter helped.  I will never understand why or how - but to this day when I'm down a Granny Smith apple & reduced fat Jif works almost as well as chocolate does for some women.

The one thing this article stresses is talking to friends and family.  That's not exactly an option for me - with Mom & Dad both gone I've been joking about being an orphan for so long it's turned out to be the way I feel.  I don't have any close friends (physically close; within 20 minute drive) that I could call just to hang out on the couch with me.  I've never been the kind of person that would call up my emotionally close friends & cry on their shoulders.  I save all that "crap" for my journals or for this.  ... and yes I call it crap - I've always felt depression was a weakness in me; something I should be able to 'get over' or 'snap out of'.  Ironically I'm the first one to tell others to go seek help - yes I know how hypocritical that sounds.

Lately a co-worker and I have been discussing the idea of going to our doctors & asking "for something" to help us out of these 'moods' we've been in.  I have noticed that I'm quicker to loose my patience with 'stupidity' (or as my company is so found of saying - I lack empathy for the members that call in for my help), the fact that I'm back on the phones in a call center despite everything I've done to do anything else, or I'm having a hard time finding a way to deal with (essentially what turns out to be just) life.  I haven't made the call yet (mostly because I don't have the money for the visit) but I am seriously considering it.  I'm just now sure how to go in admitting I not able to deal with everyday issues anymore.

Hmmm....

I've been having a serious conversation with a co-worker the last few days about whether or not we (both of us) need to be medicated to prevent us from feeling like we need to "choke a b*tch" (no one in particular just a general feeling). It wasn't until yesterday's conversation when I was handed a Reese's Peanut Butter cup (no joke) that I realized my previously mentioned "wagon jump" may NOT have been the reason for my mood but a way to get it back in check. I am well aware my current position has messed up my head in ways I'm not sure I'll come back from easily; however I'm pretty sure Dunkin Donuts' Coolattas are not the solution either.

I could have sent this week's Postsecret secret

Serving 

Want to hear a funny (or sad depending on how you look at it I guess) story about me?

This morning for some strange reason I woke up determined to get the air filters for the house, even though for the most part I've turned off the heat.  When I opened the front door it also occured to me that it maybe I could find out what it would take to have it fixed (the lock that doesn't 'hold', the peephole has been painted over - and oh yeah ...I really HATE the color of the door.)  I really need someone to go with me to these home improvement places because I can wander around happy as a lark for hours looking at this and that & dreaming about what I would/could do if I had the time and more importantly the money; like the refrigerator that's on sale (if you can call $1400 a sale) that's not stainless, and not white but a chrome-tinted grey maybe?? ...before find what I went in there for.

Finding the filters took no time at all; figuring out what I wanted to change on the door was another story.  It's a no-brainer that the red has to go & frankly I'm still loving the idea of painting it Dallas Cowboys blue.  I'm also considering removing the doorknocker (it's not like I get a lot of visitors and I do have a doorbell) and putting silver numbers there since I still haven't found a house number plate I like and can afford.  That only leaves the problem with the gold door knob and deadbolt (the easy answer would be to have them replaced since they aren't working very well - but I had all the doors rekeyed when I bought the house & I don't want to spend that kind of money again if I can avoid it.) ....eh I'll figure that part out later.

I found (and bought) the replacement peep hole - turns out that's not as big of an issue as I thought it might be.  I even found large silver numbers to fit in that space across the middle of the door (assuming I can remove the doorknocker). While I was looking/dreaming I realized a clerk was persistently asking me if I needed help.  Not only was I in my own little world but I was dressed in my best "People of Wal-Mart" attire (black running pants with broken zippers on the sides of the legs and my old beat up w/ the lettering falling off Cowboys jersey) and not accustomed to "being seen".  I chuckled to myself and let him know I was ok and just looking for prices and ideas.  He didn't even seem relieved when he walked away - kudos to him.

Next stop the paint department.  I have no idea what kind of paint I'm going to need to cover up this door (does it count as indoor? outdoor? will I need a primer?) but I do know the first thing I need to find is the right color.  How hard can it be for me to find Dallas Cowboys blue?  Ummm...harder than you'd think.  I started with the paint chip samples on my left and nearly had a heart attack; there were four more sections of chips alone!  OMG where's Dave when I need him?  Deep breath & start pulling cards out of the slot with my left hand (right still has the filters I've been carrying around for 45 minutes now as well as the peep hole) hold it up to my chest (remember the beat up Cowboys jersey?) while I decide if it's close enough for consideration.  I've got a stack of cards in front of me & I'm going through my second round of eliminations when it happened.

On my right is another store clerk, only this time she looks a little scared.  She puts her and on my arm holding the filters and says quietly (as if she doesn't want anyone else to hear her) "Ma'am is there anything I can help you with?"  I'm a little startled because I didn't even realized she'd walked up on me let alone the fact that she still has her hand on my arm.  "No", as I pull my arm away "I'm trying to find the right one, I promise to put all the cards back in the right place when I'm done."  She smiles as if she knows something I don't and says "it's ok ma'am you can take as many as you want; there's no charge.  But could you do me a favor and use the bottom of your shirt instead?"  Now it took me a second or two to realize what she was asking me.  Sure I was putting the cards up to my chest to check the colors; it was the easiest for me to see.  What I didn't realize was that I was making the decisions out loud (and not using the voices in my head)!  Imagine what it must have looked like to walk around the corner and see me standing there with 'my hand on my chest' saying things like "not bad", "close but not quite right", "almost", "ewww, not even in the ballpark"....  I busted out laughing as I assured her I would be more careful.