My Summer to Do List

I used to look forward to summer vacation (back in the day when I didn’t have to worry about bills and the rest of those adult-type things).  The last few years have been… well let’s just say nothing to look forward to.  This year I wanted to make summer something to look forward to again – only I wasn’t exactly sure how to go about doing that.  I decided to do what I do best; make a list and cross things off as I accomplish them.  (Feel free to make suggestions – who knows, I might just embrace them.)  Starting June 20st (and by August 31st) I’m want to (check back often, I'm sure I'll add things as I think of them):

1. To Amber’s delight I’m going to start typing up my second book of collected quotes. 
2. Attempt to give up diet sodas (again). Down to one a week ...
3. Drink more water and green tea. Up to 72 oz/day
4. Get out of town (i.e. Charlotte area) at least 3 times.
5. Loose 5% of my current weight.
6. Go to the zoo.
7. See a fireworks display. July 4th in Waxhaw
8. Update blog at least once a week.
9. Figure out how to finish my HIT degree. I'm registered for classes in the fall; will keep you posted as to how I figure out how to pay for them.  :)
10. Start sending letters to the CA Wounded Warriors again.
11. Try at least 3 new foods.
12. Go to Daniel Stowe Botanical Garden.
13. See a couple of movies at the drive in.
14. Take more (and be in more) pictures. Definitely working on this one.  Bill took this picture of me yesterday; I had to resist the urge to run from.  ...hey it's a start isn't it?
    
15. Added: Learn (and do) Yoga

May 28, 2012 5:48pm

Today was my second opportunity to volunteer with the Red Cross at the Memorial Day Ceremony at the Salisbury VA.  For a few hours I passed out water, cupcakes, cookies & fruit while talking (i.e. listening) to vets from the Vietnam war --> Enduring Freedom; all in a different stage of "coming/being home" as more than one put it.   One particular gentleman was my 'tour guide' of the ways of this particular VA Hospital & the kind of people I would see as the morning progressed.

"Everyone's talking about the TBI guys" he says sadly, "but no one remembers us that over indulge".  We started walking over for yet another cup of coffee that I was sure he wasn't going to finish any more than his previous last three cups when he starts telling me this part of his story.  He spent some time "over there" doing what Uncle Sam told him to do unquestioningly; not because he felt a patriotic duty but because he was promised a better life when the job was completed.  I will never forget the way he said "things will be different".

However when he "came home" things weren't different - in fact they were worse.  His girl didn't wait for him like she promised (he didn't blame her), he had a hard time finding a job - not because he wasn't qualified or society wasn't bending over backwards to give a returning vet a chance, but because he didn't have a clue what he wanted to do.  His friends had gone on with their lives (again not bitter) and those that were still around seemed like they were doing the same childish things they were doing when he left - they just didn't have anything in common anymore.

As he's putting the sugar in his coffee he laughs.  Turns out the only thing that made him get up in the mornings then was that our society was so guilty about how we treated  returning vets in our past that "you folks are going overboard to make up for it".  For months he would go into a restaurant alone with his deployment jacket on and have his meal and bar tab picked up by other customers.  To hear him tell it, people were buying him drinks left and right - "and that's rough for someone that never touched the stuff UNTIL he came back".  He admits to taking advantage, even says he's not sorry about it - after all he couldn't afford those meals or top shelf alcohol in a month of Sundays.  "...besides I'm paying for it now don't you think?" and he takes a sip of coffee & winks at me.

Our conversation was interrupted by a HUGE rumble behind us. Motorcycles were slowly coming over the hill two by two around the patch of grass the spectators occupied.  The riders stopped to the left of the podium, dismounted and quietly walked the route they just rode through picking up an American flag on the way.  Half the group was from the Patriot Guard (http://www.patriotguard.org), the other half  was part of The Rolling Thunder. It's one thing to hear about them on the news; it's something totally different to SEE and HEAR them in person.  The crowd went totally silent once the first four rows of bikes rounded the corner & stayed that way until the last one accepted his flag and stood his post.

I turned around to my new friend and there were tears streaming down his face.  He pulls me into a bear hug, whispers in my ear "Now I'm home... thanks for listening."  and then disappeared into the crowd for the start of the ceremony.  I looked for him again after it was over, but I couldn't find him.

Learning to ride has always been on my bucket list.  After today I want to be part of the Patriot Guard and/or the Rolling Thunder.

5/11/2012 7:14 PM

Today turned out to be one of those “I want my Mommy” days that I haven’t had since I was maybe 6 years old (if even then) so I did what most people do these days; I posted a picture of us  when I was young (if 10 is still considered young) on my Facebook profile. 

Bill told me this morning (ironically through Facebook chat) that another woman asked him out and he wanted to know what to do about it.  Seriously, what am I supposed to say to that? The decision had already been made or he wouldn’t have said anything to me right?  I know how I feel about him/us – but as the song says I can’t make you love me.

That’s a bit harsh.  I do believe he loves me, I honestly do.  If I were to step back and look at this as if I didn’t have a stake in how things turned out, I would say it makes sense for him to go out with this woman.  Hell he was married for 25 years & we started going out barely six months after his divorce was final.  (Stop laughing at me – yes I know you’re not supposed to fall in love with someone in that situation…I know, I know, I know.  I’m getting what I deserve for being so stupid.)  We started going out in November (exclusive officially New Year’s Eve), why would he want to jump into another long term situation without dating several other people first?

Logically that all makes sense.  However it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m loosing my best friend all over again.

I keep wondering about something Penny told me when we first started going out “don’t give him enough rope to hang himself”.  Funny thing though, I was worried about his unresolved feelings regarding his ex-wife – not someone new.  I sure as hell didn’t see that coming. 

After talking to Bill, all I wanted to do was call Mom and ask her if it would be ok if I came home for the weekend (and if so would she make me lasagna and/or chicken salad).  I know I would spend the six hour drive listening to the RENT and Phantom of the Opera soundtracks singing at the top of my lungs and crying every minute.  Once I got there she’d never ask me why I wanted to come home, why I wanted her to make my favorite foods and she wouldn’t force me to talk to her.  By the time I was ready to come back home she would have given me advice on this unemployment thing and made me feel better about things with Bill even if I never opened my mouth.  

…and I would do all of that if she hadn’t died in ’98 from lung cancer.

Janie commented (very nicely I might add) on my picture “Even tho she is not physically with you, she is always looking down on you and so proud of all you have accomplished.”  I can’t help but think just the opposite.  Mom would have kicked me in the ass for the last two years, and there’s no way she would condone my spending the day in bed under the covers crying over “some man”.  (She was the one that always told me to keep a cast iron frying pan on my stove because no matter what bad situation you find yourself in with a guy ‘he has to go to sleep sometime’.)  Mom was Madea long before there was a Madea; I just didn’t know/appreciate it then. 

I don’t want that to sound more violent than it is.  As far as I know there was never any abuse in her history, but I do think she’d seen women being taken advantage of by the men that they loved.  Because of that I always had the ‘you don’t need a man to take care of you’ speech.  Part of that was she wanted to let me know how much harder it was going to be for me as a black woman (and I will always appreciate that lesson) and she didn’t want me to ‘fall into the stereotype’ of pushing out kids just to keep a man around (and that was the 80’s can you imagine what she’d say now?!?).

So where does that leave me right now?  Honestly I really don’t know.  There’s nothing I can do about Bill; he has to do what he has to do for him.  …and if I really love him like I say I do then I would want him to be happy even if it’s not with me.  That’s going to take some time – I’m no freaking saint.  I’m going to have a hard time seeing any Facebook status messages about how much fun he’s having with whomever he’s going out with.  Sigh…

…as for the job thing…I really don’t have a clue what to do about that anymore.  I called the Employment Security Commission today to get myself added onto the list for the free training they offer.  I’m going to have to fight my way into it because they don’t offer this to people that already have college degrees (and silly me has two).  I’m going to try though.  I want to finish the HIT program that I started at CPCC.  I know if I can get that done & pass the certification exam I would have no problem getting and keeping a job.  The only problem is that the next meeting is 5/21… I’m not sure I’m going to have a place to live then.

I’ve applied for over 105 jobs since March 1^st.  Yesterday I went to BP’s office and put in an application.  Today I even filled out apps for Pilot truck stops and Quick Trip gas station.  I know they are only part time jobs but I need something fast.  Hopefully if I can get some real income coming in, and I can get into the NC Stars program I’ll be able to finish the degree in a year?

I just need a break of some kind some how.  I promise not to squander it or take it for granted.  I don’t want a hand out, I’m willing to work for everything, I just need a chance to prove myself.

…ok so maybe Janie was right and Mom is looking out for me afterall.  Is it bad form to wish I had some of her chicken salad?

5/8/2012 9:26 PM

This has been a totally depressing day & my adopted state has made it that much worse.

The last two years have been absolutely horrible.  I totaled my ’99 Ranger; the truck I bought with the insurance money from Mom’s death.  I tell everyone that Blue (that was my truck’s name – yes I’m one of those crazy people than name their vehicles) gave his life for me.  I was t-boned in the intersection, did a 360 into a telephone pole a block and a half from home.  The driver’s side door wouldn’t open, the (newly filled) gas tank was leaking, and the bed of the truck had been turned into a “U” by the telephone pole.  Blue was dead, but I escaped by only being sore for about a week.

That September my company went belly up.  It wasn’t a surprise exactly; we’d been fighting it for years.  We had one last chance – a buyer but for some strange reason he backed out at the very last minute (seriously who backs out of a deal 6 hours before signing the papers?!?).  This was the first time I’d been unemployed since I delivered the morning newspaper as a kid. 

Since I had the time, I went home (to VA) to spend Thanksgiving with Dad.  …and staying over seven months to help him through hip replacement surgery.  The surgery was fine, the recovery nearly killed me.  The doctors didn’t believe him when he told them how much he drinks or how long he’s been drinking (at 70 he would be what most would call a functional alcoholic) and having to ok having him restrained while he went through the dts just about killed me.  The only thing that made it better is that he doesn’t remember a minute of it.  If there is a god, I thank him/her for that.

I came back home (NC) in early Spring & hit the job hunting hard and heavy.  Even still it took another four months before I found a job.  A great job, new field, new opportunities a new chance…

…that lasted nine months and I was blindsided again.  The office manager called me into her office (first time since I was given my 90 day review) and told that I was not catching on as expected and they were going to have to let me go.  Seriously?!?  All I’ve been asked to do is print, copy and scan – how can someone with two freaking degrees and 15 years of experience working in the IT department not know how to do those menial tasks to the satisfaction of a law firm? I guess I am still a little bitter about that.  I really liked that job.

It’s been almost three months and I’ve only had one interview (didn’t get the job because they hired from within).  Dad is helping out as much as he can; he’s taken over the payments of Blue’s replacement Judge.  I’m collecting unemployment but it’s not nearly enough to pay the bills let alone anything else.  Today the cable/internet was cut off.  I paid part of my rent with a promise to pay the rest in two weeks (it takes me three unemployment checks to make one rent payment) only to find out that the landlord is no longer accepting partial payments.  If the entire rent isn’t paid in full by the 10^th of the month they will file eviction notices.  I’ll be two months behind on the water bill by the 10^th, the cell phone as of the 18^th, and the power will be disconnected on my birthday (6/8) if I don’t make at least one payment before then.  The only bill I’m caught up on is the truck insurance – and that’s only because there is no grace period on that.

I’ve sent out 83 resumes since I was let go 2/29.  I’ve gotten quite a few nice “thanks but no thanks” responses but only that one nibble.  Believe me when I say I’m not being picky, I’m applying for anything and everything that suggests that it will pay my bills and give me health insurance.  I don’t care what the job is or where it is anymore.  I’m about to be 43 years old and I still can’t take care of myself.

…and then I look up and see the primary results.  Amendment One passes to a 60/40 vote.  How is that even possible?  Why do people insist on pressing their religious beliefs on everyone else?  What happened to separation of church and state or freedom of religion?  I wonder if my grandparents or even my parents felt this lost and helpless during the civil rights fights?

I’m not asking for much… can I just get a break?  A small break?  I’ll make it work, I promise – just give me a chance.

…what’s the point?

5/2/2012 6:06 PM

Bill has suggested a few times that I write something everyday.  I think he’s worried that I’m spending my unemployment time curled up on the couch cursing the world (ok maybe some days he’s more right than I’d like to admit) instead of busting my hump looking for another job.  He means well & I know he has my best interests at heart, but honestly I’m not really sure I have anything to say.

No, that’s not true; I have TONS of things to say, I just don’t think anyone wants to hear them.  The funny (ironic not ha ha) part about that is that I'd like to have a real conversation with someone again that wasn’t over the “interweb” thing.  That’s probably not a good thing right now however.  Since I live alone, I’d probably start talking and never shut up (just like your stay at home friends with young kids when they finally get a few hours alone with adults).

In some ways I completely miss my English & Philosophy classes because at least two times a week there were 10-15 people engaged in conversation (that admittedly sometimes turned into rather heated discussions) about the same subject.  One of my favorite professors would sometimes insist we put ourselves in the shoes of a (usually non main) character in order to look at how the story was put together from their point of view.  John Milton’s Paradise Lost was my favorite exercise because we were able to pick which character we wanted to investigate.  It was one of the hardest books to read/discuss because most of my classmates were strongly committed to their various religions (where I am not – committed or religious).  It probably didn’t help that I choose Lucifer as the character with which to relate.  I blame/credit Prof. White with the way I (try) to look at things.  I say blame because it’s also the reason no one wants to watch tv with me anymore.