2014: Brought to you by the letter “H” Health, Home & Happiness

                It’s that time of the year again when people make lists of things they want to change in the coming year.  Sometimes they actually cross things off but more often than not the list is forgotten by mid-March and things stay the same.  Don’t get me wrong I’m just like those people I’m talking about; only most of the time I don’t even make it to March!

                So what makes 2014 any different?  A few weeks before Dad died we got into one of our “discussions” about him signing up for Medicare & going into a nursing home.  Out of nowhere he yells “What’s the point then?” That caught me completely off guard because I had no idea what in the world he was talking about.  He couldn’t understand why he bothered to keep the rental & get the reverse mortgage (he didn’t think he’d ever pay off the house & knew I couldn’t afford it) if he was just going to be forced to give everything away just because he was dying.  ...and if that wasn’t a kick in the teeth the other day I was talking to someone about the “mountain” of things he needed to figure out & (He’s always telling me if you don’t like the way things are find a way to change them.) I asked him how he was going to manage to get it all done.  He laughed and said “The same way I tacked that steak the other day – one bite at a time.”

                Ironically the first bite is my health.  This past year I’ve put on somewhere between 12-18 extra pounds, my hair has been falling out by the fistfuls & I’ve made 2 “extra” doctor appointments due to diabetic complications.  In my head I know the majority of it has been the stress of the last couple of years, not being able to afford my meds,  & getting off all the “better” eating habits I’d worked so hard on but frankly I just like the way I feel (let alone look).  I’ve already started working on saving the hair (that sounds funny coming from me doesn’t it J ) so it’s time for the overall health.  I’ve made up my mind that I want the weight loss surgery, now I need to start making the calls, going to the seminars & doing the work to make it happen.  I’ve dusted off the Wii & started playing it again and have had a couple of sessions with Shawn T (fun but Hip Hop Abs was not made for people with all this extra body!).  I know I have to work on “everything in moderation” & a few other things but …one bite at a time right?

                It’s time I stop thinking of NC as a stepping stone to where I want to be.  I’ve been here since ’96; this is home now.  That means it’s time to stop renting and find a place of my own.  I’d love to get out of my present situation asap but I know that’s not going to happen.  I need to find my “forever” home & I need to do it right.  That means finally figuring out what my financial situation is, fix it & go from there.  I’m in the process of working through the paperwork for a program a co-worker told me about.  If anyone has any suggestions, tips, inside information – don’t be shy; I need all the help I can get!

                I’m also not putting things off anymore.  That train trip to DC – it’s time to start planning it.  I’ve always wanted to go to Nashville, Savannah, the NFL Hall of Fame (how is it all the trips to C’town & I never made it??) hell even Amish Country…. the list is almost endless!  The point is there are still things I want to cross off my bucket list & I just bought a new pen!  Let’s see DC in 2014, Nashville or Alaska 2015?  Time to stop working just to live but to have something to live for.    

                …to paraphrase a line from RENT: 2014 it’s gonna be a good year.

               

               

                

Probably should stay away from me today

This is going to be one of those days in which everything/one is going to annoy me right? 

I order a bacon cheese burger only mustard.

Voice in drive-thru box: It doesn't come with mustard.

Me: Can you add mustard?

Voice: Ummmm...yes?  So you want mano, lettuce, tomato, onions & mustard.

Me: No, I want ONLY mustard.

Voice: Do you want cheese & bacon?

Me: I ordered a bacon cheese burger.

Voice: Yes?

Me: Is it a bacon cheese burger without bacon and/or cheese?

Voice: Ummmm... no...I guess it would be hamburger.

Me: Did I order a hamburger only mustard?

Voice: No. (after a brief pause) ...so you don't want the mayo, lettuce tomato and onions?

Thirty minutes later I'm at home trying to work on my labs when my phone rings; it's the reverse mortage company. She sounds young and unsure of what to say next; this is not the woman that I've been dealing with the last six months or so.

Her: I'm calling about the property at _____________________.

Me: Yes?

Her: We have reports that it's vacant.

Me: You mean when I called to let you know Dad died & asked what were my options?

Her: Yes.

Me:  ...ok?  <silence from her - a long uncomfortable silence> Nothing's changed, he's still dead.

Her: Ummm... well .. uh... we just needed to know ..um... if.. uh.. is it still being maintained?

Me:  <Confused> Maintained?

Her: Uh..yes, it's vacant right?

Me: Yes, as I said, he's dead & no longer living there or anywhere else.

Her: Yes... but is the property still maintained?

Me: I don't know what you're asking; why don't you tell me what you want to know?

Her: Are you going to sell the property or what?  Are the lights & water still on?

Me:  I was told I had six months to make that decision; it's barely been two.

Her: ...oh yes that's true, just let us know when you've decieded.

Me: Ok <another uncomfortable silence>  Is there anything else?

Her: Uh...no... goodbye.

9/3/13

Two more calls made this morning.  The first was to the reverse mortgage company.  Late last week I got a package (i.e very thick envelope) that basically said if I didn't have my ducks in a row 30 days from when informed them of his death I would have foreclosed on the house.  Now technically since it's only his credit a foreclosure would be ruining that's not a bad thing but there are still a few things in the house I haven't been able to get out of the house yet (remember the whole Uhaul issue?).

Candy says that foreclosure isn't on the table yet, but it is an option.  She still needs some paperwork from me (reciept for the probate - more on that later) and a copy of the will (can't believe so many people need that - shouldn't that be private?  Jeepers when the wills are read on "All My Children" they never show Jackson Montgomery sending copies to everyone that asks for one.)  Yes I still need to have the house appraised (and as soon as I find out what my clinical schedule is/or the life insurance check arrives I'll make that appointment) but nothing can be done on my end or theirs until that happens.  Just when I was about to breathe easier she hits me with the "do you know what you want to do" question.  I hate that question almost as much as I hate the "how are you doing question".  Of course I don't know what I'm going to do, you just told me I couldn't do anything until the appraisal has been done, how do you expect me to tell you what I'm going to do until I have all the information?  Yes I know you're just doing your job but please understand it's only been 31 days.  Had your company given me the information of the options, etc. when I called back in February I would be better prepared for such queries.  Now you have to work on my schedule for awhile.

So I keep getting these letters from Dad's creditors starting off with the "we're sorry for your loss" crap followed very quickly by "we need you to send us papers so we can take everything you own".  Ok, that's slightly an exaggeration, but not by much.  Basically they are trying to get what they are owed by attaching themselves to the estate.  The question is what is considered an estate.  Next phone call was to the probate office of the Norfolk Circuit Court.  Turns out since Dad didn't have any tangible assets (anything that can be picked up and moved (his definition not mine), including bank accounts, bonds, etc) he didn't have an estate.  So what did I spend all that money on?  Putting the will on record and transferring the houses in my name.  According to Javier at the probate office, since there is no estate, the creditors can't do anything, unless they put a lien on the houses.  IF that happens I wouldn't be able to sell them until the bills are paid.

8/30/13

Another morning of Dad's dead calls (Dcc).  (Yeah I thought I was done as well!).  The first one today was to Mail Handlers Benefit Plan (MHBP) b/c Dad received a check that obviously he can't cash.  I had such a fun conversation with customer service rep Lisa (although I'm not sure she felt the same way).   First she wanted to know of OPM had been notified (for all you civilians that's Office of Personnel Management) of his death (they have).  "I don't think they have ma'am otherwise you wouldn't still be getting checks."

"I don't understand, what does OPM have to do with his insurance?"

"Nothing, they're the ones that send his retirement checks.'"

"But I'm not calling about his retirement check, I'm calling about a check from the insurance - I did call MHBP right?"

"Are you sure??"

"I'm pretty sure... the check is from Mail Handlers Benefit Plan and only for $87.  I know the government is still in sequester but I'm pretty sure we can afford to pay our military retirees a little more than $87 a month."

After she realized I actually did call the right place of business she became a bit more informative.  Because my name is not on his insurance (again why would it??) I can't change the address on the account to mine without a POA on file.  I have a POA but LEGALLY it died when he died (per Lawyer Steve; Lisa even Googled it b/c "I've never heard of such").  Lisa said as far as the insurance was concerned, they just needed the POA on file - (NOT the will that names me as Executor (WTF??)).

Next problem for her to tackle - the check.  After some research she found out that it was sent to Dad in order to pay for his last ambulance trip.  No problem, I don't have an issue with that - now how do I get it to them?  "Well you could deposit it in his account & write them a check from it to Norfolk Fire- Rescue."  Ummm.... he's dead, the account has been closed; that's not an option.  "Oh yeah... hang on."

A few minutes later she comes back and says if I take the will, death certificate & probate papers to my bank (NFCU) I should be able to cash the checks (evidently there may be more coming as the claims are processed.  That will have to be another Dcc - the closest brick and mortar branch is in Fayetteville.  I may have to check into what it would take to open an estate account as Lawyer Steve suggested the week Dad died.  I didn't see a need for it then - it's not like he had any money & I wasn't paying any of the bills... never thought about money coming to him in this way. *sigh*

I got a package from the reverse mortgage company yesterday.  Because of timing issues it looks like they are going to try and foreclose on the property before I have a chance to make an informed decision.  I'll post more when I have more info.  Yes... I know I still need to post about probate court (will take me longer to post than it took to go through), hopefully I'll get to that this weekend.

8/16/13

….remember when I said I thought I was finished with all the “Dad’s dead” calls?  Well as it often happens, I was wrong.  J  Yesterday I got a letter from Travelers letting me know that the electronic payment for his homeowners insurance had been declined.  Oh crap!

Talked to a very nice and informative CSR named Lorie (see there are good ones out there).   Unless I can get the houses in my name she can’t change the policy over to my name or make any real changes (she was able to change the mailing address to mine that’s a plus!).  The policies are active and “sort-of” current so I’m not in danger of defaulting on those – yet.  On 9/7 I need to pay $88.50 on the rental (with the total due by 11/1 of $169.01 that I can pay off at any time) and $169.84 on the one he was living in (with total due by 10.17 of $499.52 that I can pay off at any time).  Happy Happy Joy Joy…

Finally got in touch with Javier; from Norfolk Circuit Court.  I’ve made an appointment for Probate Court for 9 am Monday 8/26.  I need to bring the original will, a death certificate (only the second ‘real’ one I’ve had to use) and a method of payment.  Since I can’t do ANYTHING until this is done I need to get the funds together and the ball rolling. 

… and if you’ll indulge me a bit of… well just keep reading.  The other day I was asked on my blog why I keep posting about all of this and in such detail.  At first I was taken aback by the question (after all it’s not like I’m forcing anyone to read, right?) but after a minute or two I decided to answer the question.  In a nutshell… 1. Because I’ve always been a journaler of sorts. It’s how I work things out, it’s how I try to make permanent things I don’t want to forget (or in some cases make sure they really did happen the way I felt they did J ), and in a way I guess it’s one way to leave proof that I was here.  2. And the biggest reason has to be so that someone – anyone can learn from my experience.  I keep saying someone needs to write a book on what you’re supposed to do when the last parent dies, but frankly you wouldn’t have time to read it.  There are so many things that didn’t happen when Mom died since dad was still alive that just automatically transferred to him.  Dad, no matter what else you think of my account of our relationship, was a very proud man.  For him to allow me to help him these last 7 years or so with all of his health issues was a HUGE concession especially considering our relationship for most of my life.  But because he was so proud, and because he felt it was his duty as a man to take care of his children (and not the other way around) there were things that I didn’t know and/or couldn’t convince him was not only in his best interests but mine.  There are also a ton of things we didn’t know or even consider finding out about.  If I can help someone else navigate these waters, get their plans in place, look at what they want for their parents and/or kids then blurting out my private information for the world to see is just my way of giving back.  It’s my way of saying how much I appreciate those that have been helping me through all of this muck.

Thanks for reading.  Now go start working on your “this is what I want to happen if something happens to me” notebook.  J

8/14/13

(Note to those who buy hold music:  IF you're going to buy "looped" music DO NOT keep your customers on hold for 22:45 minutes.  The next gone postal case is going to be someone with a Bluetooth earpiece in one ear & a hammer in hand running towards the IT/Telephony department)

Deep breath.  OK, got the last of the "Dad's dead" calls done (I hope).  This one was to Dominion Power & it was saved for last because I thought it would be the easiest.  Not so much...not in the least.  Lisa the CSR that first took my call was professionally respectful and unnecessarily apologetic that she had to put me on hold in order to research the situation.  I got the feeling very early on that the first line csr agents are not trained to deal with customers that die.  I know it’s probably not something every rep with encounter every day but it has to happen more often than never right? 

After about 2 minutes she came back and let me know if I canceled the budget plan that Dad was on (I put him on it several years ago when it looked like he was going to go to jail for his multiple DUI charges) the total balance would be come due.  Since I needed to keep the power on until I finally figure out what I’m going to do with the house I couldn’t just write it off to the “dead people’s file”.  She wasn’t sure if I would have to put the power in my name or…

Oh wait… who’s Janice Huntley; is she available?  She is on the account and she’s the only one that can make changes to the account.  *Sigh* Poor Lisa didn't know what to say after I told her Mom was not available since she died in ’98.  At that point there was nothing more she could do, she had to transfer me to the Residential Department – again she apologized almost sadly.

The automated voice told me my wait would be about 20 minutes but that I could do nearly everything under the sun on the Dom.com website.  Everything it turned out EXCEPT everything I needed to do.  Great.  Ms. Snowden had to go through all the same steps that poor Lisa did 23 minutes earlier.  She was able to cancel the budget plan so instead of owing $188 by 8/30 I only have to come up with $109.53.  (Is anyone else laughing with me?)  The next bill will go out on 9/16 & will only be for the power used (“so the more you turn off the lower your bill will be”…really Ms. Snowden, I didn’t know that).

So now on top of my own stuff I've taken on Dad’s power, water, and property taxes on both houses … I’m almost afraid to ask if there’s anything else I forgot to take care of or someone I should have called.  No time to worry about it now, I’m running late for work.

...and the good news just keeps coming...

Finally got around to talking to someone at the reverse mortgage company for the house Dad was living in.  Candy was very nice & informative - but dang she talked too fast for the amount of information she was giving me.  I'm sure she got tired of me asking her to slow down, repeat, or the zillions of questions I had. So here's the deal:

I have three options: 1. clean everything out of the house and turn it over to them 2. buy it or 3. sell it.  Before anything can be done they are required to send out an appraiser to find out the true value of the house. (Which means I have another trip in my not so distant future coming up.)  The good news is that if it's appraised for less than the loan they'll let me buy it for 95% of the appraised value.  :) /sarcasm

The second (and probably the most devastating) chunk of news is that NONE of this can be done until the will has been probated.  According to VA law there is no time frame on when it has to be probated...however the mortgage company has a different set of rules.  I have 6 months from date of death (7/28 in case you're counting) for one of the three above options and a possibility of two 90 day extensions once the wheels have started turning.  ..and just in case you don't remember from my many posts before in order to probate the will all fees & taxes must be paid up front.

8/11/13

This has been one of those days that has been “off” for me since I woke up this morning and I haven’t been able to figure out why.  I don’t think its one thing or the other…but it’s something… and it’s frustrating that I can’t put my finger on it.  I’m the kind of person that needs a solution to the problem (even if the solution isn’t doable); I don’t do well with the abstract kind of solution.

The other day I was talking (i.e. texting) with Russ & he asked me how I was doing.  Russ is one of the few friends that I can actually say anything to & it doesn’t phase him in the least little bit (yes even those monthly issues).  I just blurted out that my eyes were tired and how strange that felt to me.  I didn’t know how else to explain it… they just blasted hurt.  If I closed them they felt better but otherwise they just burned, ached and/or hurt.  As is his nature (at least with me) he said that was pretty normal and that I’d been through a lot these last few months; I just needed sleep and water.  Sleep and water?  Ok if you say so.  Don’t tell Russ, but I did sleep in an extra hour the next morning.  My eyes are still ‘sore’ but not nearly as much as when I talked to him.

I know it’s hard to believe someone like me is a private person…especially considering how much of my non-existent life is on Facebook and my blog… hang on a second.  I don’t think I’m a private person per se… I just don’t tell anyone how I feel about things that are important to me because they won’t get it.  That sort of hit me today when I was cleaning the house (sort of).  Let me explain.

I was dusting off the bookcase that I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring home with me (although secretly I really did want to save it)….and at the time I couldn’t figure out what the hesitation was.  Even while I was at Dad’s I felt like I let Shawn talk me into taking it back with me (I needed something to put all this stuff I was going to have to go through of Dad’s but I wasn’t sure I really had the physical space for it…. at least that’s what I kept telling myself).  So I’m sitting on the floor & I’m trying to dust the bottom shelf when I get a memory flash that hit me hard.  It’s a Saturday morning at the old house (the one I grew up in, the one we’re … ooops I’m renting) & I’m sitting on the floor dusting this very same bookcase.  It’s up against the half wall that separated the living room and kitchen.  It was loaded with some of Mom’s books & I had to make sure I put them in the same order she had them in (gee I wonder where I got that from).  I’ve always thought that Dad built that bookshelf for Mom; don’t know if it’s true or not, but it’s always been her shelf… and I didn’t even realize that until today.  Funny how that works out isn’t it.

Fred came by to pick up the camping stove and spoon today.  He kept saying if I changed my mind about some of the things he put his “dot” on & wanted to keep them he’d understand.  That’s something else I keep hearing from people that had “dotted” items.  I have yet to understand why I keep hearing the same thing over and over again until I talked to Fred. 

Because of his drinking, Dad and I have had a rocky relationship since day one; it only got better once Mom died ironically (there’s something about realizing we are the only ones we had left that made us work on our relationship).  I’m starting to see how funny it looks to “outsiders” the things I want to keep of his and the things I have no problem getting tossing in the trash.  For example there is one tool box that I wanted – have no idea what’s in it or if I’ll ever use any of the tools in it (and I KNOW I don’t have the space for it) and one particular plant.  I wanted to make sure I had room in my truck to bring that plant back (and one for a friend of mind that I had no attachment to what so ever)  that  I was kind of short with Shawn when I realized I didn’t have room to bring it back this trip.  I’m just glad she stood her ground and didn’t back down to me b/c frankly right now I haven’t pulled out space for it yet.  Dad’s plaques and ships had to come back with me, I want his water bottle full of change, and all the records/camera equipment.  There were a few dishes, pots/pans that I wanted….seriously who wants a pot that is only 3” across?  Me that’s who.

The other thing I’m having a hard time getting used to is not jumping every time the phone rings (which doesn’t happen nearly as much now that he’s dead… which brings point #2: dead vs passed.  Dad is dead, he died – he didn’t “pass”).  I don’t have to answer every phone call I get (which means if you call from a number I don’t recognize you better leave a message) and/or have to have the phone sitting on the table 24/7.  Very strange feeling since that’s been my main concern for the last few years –phone above all else in case something happened with him.  Things are so much more different than they were when Mom died.

When do I go back to normal?

No more "I'm sorrys"

♫ ♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact ♪♫

I realize that I'm floating in uncharted territory here. (and although I know it's not true), I feel like I'm the first/only person in this age of social media to help their remaining parent die in the manner he has requested. I admit to making mistakes with the amount of information I've posted and more importantly with the people I've trusted with said information.

From the bottom of my black heart I'd like to thank those who have stepped up, offered support, gave me their time (and shoulder) the last year or so -- and especially the last 2 weeks. Words have not been invented to tell you how much that has meant to me. When I was falling apart & didn't know which way to turn you were there to point me in the right direction.

The last few days I've had to shut some people down because they'd insinuated themselves where they were not needed and/or wanted; and believe it or not I actually felt bad about it. Not any more. No more guilt. No more biting my tongue. I've tried to explain nicely that no matter how much time Dad has left - whether it's a week, month or a year it's his to do with as he likes. ... and it's my job (for as long as he wants me to do it) to make sure he gets what he wants as he wants it. So until further notice the bitch is unapologetically back.

Dallas vs LifeStation

Another interesting story in the life and times of Dallas while she's attempting to close down her Dad's life (don't you just love the third person speak :) )

While I was home I cancelled the LifeStation account  (love the product would recommend to anyone - just no need if he's going to be in the nursing home) and sent the unit, wristband and bathroom wall unit back in the same box they were sent to us in.  Today I noticed they drafted $40 out of his account, so I called to find out why.  CSR Stan told me that the box did not contain the bathroom wall button & instead of calling me to say "hey did you forget to send the button back" they just charged us for it.  Needless to say since I KNEW I put it in there. I accidently pushed the button while trying to pull it off the velcro straps from the wall & even though the main unit was unplugged from the power and phone it still lit up & attempted to call out.  I remember thinking good thing I called to cancel first b/c it would be interesting to have EMS show up at the house in the condition it was in.  

Stan put me on hold to talk to his supervisor and came back and explained that they scan everything as it comes in & the button wasn't there.  All of a sudden I remembered that I took a picture and video of the unit blinking while it was in the box - and it was still on my phone; I offered to send it to them (I did it b/c I was afraid they were going to tell me the unit didn't work anymore & I wanted to be able to prove to them that when I put it in the box it was working.).

 They've agreed to refund the $40 - although it will take 10 business days (really??).

“I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard.” Gayle Forman, If I Stay

I was reminded today about something my Mom taught me (albeit the hard way) when she was getting close to the end.  We got into this huge fight when she told me she was going to stop chemo that only stopped when she yelled "It's not about what you want, it's what I want."  I mean seriously; what do you say to that?

This past week I've watched Dad deal with the realization that not only is he never going to be able to live independantly, he's "one of those people" (his words not mine) that have to have someone else wipe his ass and change his diaper.  I haven't figured out which is worse for him- that he needs them or that he did it to himself; I do believe though that he's accepted his fate.  He's not depressed, he's not giving up... he understands what the deal is ...and for now is ok with the way things are.

There is a big difference between being depressed and accepting the inevitable.  Dad asked for the DNR and the Advanced Directive on his own.  He waited to sign them until we taked about everything.  He signed them in front of two medical professionals that also had to sign off on his mental status.   So why do they keep asking him if he's changed his mind?  Why are they surprised when he gets angry that he has to keep repeating the same decisions over and over again? He even asked me one day this week "How many times do I have to tell them to let me die, not to save me?"

Tonight he asked me how far I'd gotten on the house.  I stalled for time by taking his cell phone & adding Shawn's & the lawyer's phone numbers in (he doesn't answer calls he doesn't recognize).  I took a deep breath & told him about sending things to CHKD, how long it took me to drag everything out of the truck at the e-recyling place b/c I was being careful w/ the stuff (why?!?!?), that Shawn had the extra key...yadda yadda yadda.  Not really answering his question but not really blowing him off either.  I looked up when he got unusally quiet - thinking he'd fallen asleep again only to see him attempting to wipe away a tear.  I didn't want to embarrass him so I didn't say anything - nor did he for a second or two.  "You've got people I don't even know helping me & the ones I do know only call when they want something."

"Hey now, I thought you said no crying allowed when you called Sunday."

"I'm not crying" he smiles as he finally manages to wipe it away.  "and don't you tell those clipboard women either - they already ask too many stupid questions." then he gets that sneaky smile on his face.  "What was it that Mom said about crying?"

...it took me a minute but I had to laugh.  "There's no crying in dying." No howling, boo hooing, fake snot blowing, throwing your body on the casket crap.  ...there's too much to do for any of that stuff - don't make me come back and haunt you." or something along those lines - it has been awhile you know.  :)

It was only then that I realized it has to be pretty liberating to know "what's what" so to speak.  No more what if we do this or if I don't do that... "yep" he giggles "what can they do to do to me now?  I can tell them I don't want to (re: those 'friends' asking for money) ...or even worse to ask you!"  and he starts laughing so much that... well it's not funny anymore.

Love you too Dad, love you too!

I'm not the bad guy; this is not my fault

Nothing like the first phone call of the day letting you know despite all my efforts there's no way I'm going to be able to stop the shit storm coming down on Dad.  It was basically a courtesy call to say the facility is applying for all of his income in order to pay for his continued residency there.  Once again the Director of Social Work ended the call by saying "if you were here...".

In a rare burst of public honesty here - as much as I love Dad I'm really tired of being the bad guy.  What would change if I could afford to be there?  Nothing.  He'd still be in a situation where he can't get out of bed by himself, he still wouldn't be able to walk & he'd still have all of his income/assets taken away against his will.  If I couldn't make him stop drinking (after 60+ years) and/or take his medicine when I was there for 9 months during his hip surgery how in the hell do you think I could change things now?!?!

That being said for those of you in my generation... start talking to your parents NOW about everything.  Don't get hit in the face with things like I did, start the conversation now.  Get those Durable POA, Medical POAs, DNRs done now.  Start putting your name on their accounts (I've been trying to cancel Cox since MARCH all the while they keep charging him) so you can take care of business when the time comes.  It doesn't matter if your 'rents aren't sick now - what if they're in a car accident? trip on the sidewalk on the way to work?  ....and for those of you with siblings - there's enough stuff to be done that it shouldn't fall on one person's shoulders.  Get over it and share the responsibilities.

And for the parents on my page - quit being so stubborn.  No one is trying to take over your life we just want to give you the life you want and deserve.  (Trust me we have enough on our plates trying to keep our worlds turning we don't need to try and control yours as well.) You're going to have to help us help you or the choices are going to be made for you.  Tell your kids (or whomever your advocate is) where the info is, who carries the policies on the house, who the mortgage is through, how things are paid, etc.

And for the younger ones on my page, your parents aren't immortal.  There will be a time when you are going to have to be the grown-up and take care of them.  Start asking questions, start paying attention.  The time may come when you will need to be their advocate & you need to be ready.  The internet is a powerful tool but you are still going to have to get on the  phone and talk to people.  Make sure you know how to talk to those that have the power to do what you need done.  Your world is not in that little box in your hands you can't take your eyes off of.

Being the only child of an elderly parent in poor health f'n sucks.

           Monday at 11:45 I received a voice mail message from Joyce Williams that she wanted to get Dad’s “team” together at 1 pm and go over his progress with me; she would call me again just before 1 and have everyone on speaker phone.  The problem was I didn’t get the message until 1:15 while I was on lunch during my clinicals.  I immediately called her back and wouldn’t you know it, I got her voice mail.  At first I was pissed that they conducted the meeting without me, but then it hit me there is no way they could have conducted the meeting in less than 15 minutes.  Then I was really mad; who sets up a meeting like this at the last minute without giving the family notice?  We’ve been through this stuff before over the last few years, there are protocols and calendars to organize – no one can get 3 or 4 department heads together that quickly.

Yes, I spent the last 10 minutes of my lunch leaving a very angry and nasty message on Ms. Williams’ voice mail explaining my displeasure in very loud and not so nice terms (the language was all PG-13, they do still have Dad afterall).  I just let her know that I didn’t appreciate the last minute notice on something that was so very important & I’d appreciate at least a phone call that checked my schedule as well as everyone else’s.  After my clinicals I called Kris to vent (he’s very good at listening to me vent these last few months; I’m really going to have to do something nice for him soon) and then I called Dad to find out what happened at the meeting.  “What meeting” he said.  I had a feeling he didn’t know anything about it since he hadn’t mentioned it the day before when we talked, but I also didn’t want to make it seem to him like I was keeping things away from him.  I told him about the voice mail & he was understandably upset.  Not only did they not tell him about the meeting, he had no idea they were calling me in on it without him. 

Ms. Williams called Tuesday literally 2 minutes before I was to clock in at work to let me know Dad was “very upset” and she wanted to “apologize for the short notice yesterday” and to try to schedule another meeting at my convenience.  (I didn’t know until this morning when I talked to him that he used the colorful language I didn’t on her. J )  The make-up meeting was set up for noon Wednesday.

One the call was the Director of Rehab, Nursing, and of course the facility Business Manager.  Dad was not on the call, in the room nor had anyone talked to him before they talked to me.  I was told they wanted to talk to me first (as his next of kin and holder of his power of attorney) and then they would tell him what we all discussed.  …ok so now I know Dad has not been exaggerating about being kept in the dark in the least little bit.  Great – this is not going to be a fun time for any of us.

 The director of rehab started out by telling me about Dad’s progress since he came to the facility.  It was slow going, but they were making progress; he was able to walk around 50’ with the use of a walker without really stopping to rest.  His occupational therapy was going well too; he was able to dress himself again, he did need help with the lower extremities (always has since the hip surgery so that wasn’t too much of a surprise), but they were making progress.  What derailed the progress was the fluid in his legs and abdomen that was not only holding him back physically it was causing him pain. (No joke really – he’s only been complaining about that since he ended up in the hospital – oh wait that was the major reason he WAS in the hospital!)  Since then he hasn’t even been able to get out of bed by himself or with the help of 2 aides; they are now having to use a hoya lift to get him out of bed.  He has lost all balance and is unable to stand alone.  She even made mention of the fact that he’s been complaining of pain in his wrist (the right one that has been damaged since his fall & the reason I’m having to take care of all of his bills & things). 

Then she dropped the hammer.  Per Medicare guidelines since he is no longer making any progress in his rehabilitation nor does it seem like he wants to make any progress, they are no longer able to report to Medicare (which pays 100% for the first 21 days and then 80% for days 21-100; his secondary insurance picks up the remaining 20%) that he needs continuing care.  It’s not that he’s ready to be released it’s that he’s not meeting the insurance guidelines that will allow either insurance to continue paying for his care.  Bottom line if he’s going to continue there or be release to an assisted living facility and/or nursing home it’s going to start coming out of pocket in the next two weeks or so.

The Business Manager was next on the line to reiterate what the Rehab Director stated.  They needed to start looking at Dad’s options financially… and now.  Basically I have until the end of the month, maybe until the 15^th to figure out how to keep him where he is to the tune of an $8000 price tag.  She did suggest we start the Medicaid application because that does take 45 days to complete let alone find out if you’re approved.  She did “warn” me that once he’s approved (if he’s approved) they will take everything leaving him $40 a month for spending money.  The rational is that since they are paying for all his needs (room, board, and medical) he shouldn’t need any of his money for anything else.  (Which makes sense in one way – until you look at the responsibilities you have outside basic needs to survive.  And yes I said survive because if you ask me this is no way to live – no way what so ever.)  All of his income; retirement, social security and yes the rental property would go to his care and the rest would be picked up by Medicaid. 

I thought I had more time to save the old house at least, but I don’t.  I knew we were going to be cutting it close because they go back and look at your financials for the last five years but I thought I had time to sell the house and at least pay off his bills completely with the money.  I talked to the lawyer that did the POAs for a few minutes this morning.  I was hoping I would be able to move the house into my name and give me time to sell it, but he said that wasn’t going to work.  He also said that since I had POA, I didn’t need to move it, I just needed to sell it; although he did agree the faster the better.  Funny thing, he felt it would be better to sell the one he’s living in first and then the old house.  Damn I hate that idea b/c there are still some things in that house that I want.  Guess I better start figuring out how to make that trip home aye?  Anyone want to help me go through Dad’s house?  Yeah I didn't think so but can't blame a girl for asking.

Dad Update 4/12/13

Dad update April 12, 2013

Yesterday Dad had a paracentesis (procedure to remove abdominal fluid is removed) and today first thing in the morning he called complaining about being in pain.  J Yes I know I shouldn’t be happy about being awakened at o’dark thirty by Dad’s ringtone, but this time he gets a pass.  This was the first major procedure that he’s been through since the hip surgery that was not there for & even though in my head I knew that despite the risks it was relatively safe and routine procedure.

So far the swelling in this stomach has gone down (he says he only looks 5 months pregnant now) as well as in the right leg.  They will be testing the fluid for all the usual suspects (cancer, liver & kidney disease and heart failure).  Dad’s completely frustrated because no one will tell him why this happened other than ‘your drinking’.  …and of course I haven’t been able to convince him that 60 years of constant alcohol consumption will eventually take a toll on the body and it’s organs.  He’s still in cardiac heart failure (goes to see the cardiologist on the 16^th) and kidney failure now.  Surprisingly so far *knock on wood* he hasn’t had liver damage (yes surprise I know).  We should know more once the fluid is completely drained and tested.

I'll post more when I know more. 

Guilty pleasure or cheap therapy?

The one thing I look forward to more than football on Sunday mornings is Postsecret.  At first I thought it was just a way to satisfy my voyeuristic side but as the years go by I've noticed that it's a way to validate my feelings of being alone - by realizing I'm not... not really.

The other night I had a dream that even now I can pretty much remember with more detail than I'm comfortable with.  The long and short of it is that everyone I know/knew was on this huge farm having a family fun day type thing.  Friends, ex- friends, ex-boyfriends, their kids, sig ots, dogs, cats... yeah I'm serious.  People I'd been friends with for decades were talking with other friends of mine that they'd never met.  It was as if it was a family reunion and everyone was glad to see everyone else.  The kids were all playing frisbee, volleyball or football together.  I remember walking from one conversation to another as my everyone talked about their common interests even though they really had no way of knowing that about each other.  It was a good feeling.

The 'scene' that still gets to me was when I needed to go for a beer run.  I jumped in McGyver (a '70 Buick Skylark that Andy gave me when I moved to NC -the favorite of all my cars) with both Bill and Dave.  We got lost going to the store but we did a lot of talking and laughing - even though as far as I know neither of those guys have ever crossed paths.  I still haven't figured out why the two people that have hurt me more than anyone on this planet would be in this last scene of the dream.  I can hear Mom whispering in one ear telling me I have unfinished business with both of them and that I need to reach out to them and deal with it.  On the other shoulder I can hear Kris telling me to walk away, it was just a dream; I can't let them hurt me again. 

So this morning when I saw this secret someone from Australia posted it made me wonder if I'm not paying attention to what the universe (as Mom used to say) is trying to tell me or am I just reaching for some fantasy I'd like to come true.  I've often wondered what I would say/do if either one of them called, sent an email or showed up at my door.  I honestly don't think I would greet them with a smile considering how things ended between us, but ... 

*sigh*... doesn't really matter does it?  They are called fantasies for a reason.

How do you make new friends when you're too old for the playground? - w4m - 43 (CabCo)

Most of my "friends" are either married, have kids or are in another time zone. The rest are 20 years my senior or 15 my junior. I'm sick of having to work around all of their schedules just to be able to hang out anymore. Problem is I have no idea how to go out and make new friends anymore.

So here's the deal: I'm a HUGE Dallas Cowboys fan, I can drive a stick- shift, I'm a BBW, a metalhead, non-smoker, casual drinker, and I say no to drugs. I've always wanted to learn how to ride a motorcycle but they scare the crap out of me. I've never been married and don't have any kids. I'm a full-time student (again) & have full-time job with inconvenient hours.

Did I mention that I'm black? Hope that's not a problem.

How would you like to be my friend?

...yep silly me thought I'd give this a go again.  In a weakened state, I thought to myself   "hell it worked once why not try again, what have you got to lose?".  Truth be told I could feel myself going into a very dark space & honestly I was afraid if I went there again this time there would be no crawling out.  I needed something else to focus on other than things with Dad, my grades, the bills, how long is this job going to last (or how long am I going to last in the job)... why not some harmless flirting over email?

I dug out the Craigslist ad that I posted a few years ago (yes the same one that brought Bill and I together) & 'tweaked' it a little bit.  Honestly it's pretty funny to realize after two years nothing really has changed in the grand scheme of things.  I'm not looking to jump back into a relationship - in fact I don't want anything to do with that word.  I was just hoping to find someone that might enjoy a conversation and/or texting hello every once in awhile; someone who's looking for a distraction from life as we know it.

That's so NOT what I got.  In fact the emails I received this go round were so different from a few years ago I had to go back and make sure I didn't post something I didn't intend.  It's the "other" groups that kind of surprised me.

• ·         I received the expected number of perv emails (it is Craigslist afterall) that went straight into the trash without a second thought. 
• ·         Even though this was a dusted off post, I took some time crafting it.  Is it too much to ask that if you're going to take the time to respond you could send more than "I'll be your friend - white guy here.  Write back if you're interested."  I swear - that's the entire email.
• ·         There were about 8-10 that started out "I've always wanted to be with a black girl" or "a big girl"...  Seriously guys (and yes I will speak for both communities for a second), not all of us are so insecure that we will jump in bed with any guy that asks.  If you're attracted to women of color (any) or of size (again any) then go up to someone you're interested in and introduce yourself and smile.  There's no need to lead off with "I've always wondered what it would be like to sleep with a black woman"; I promise you all the parts are in the same place & have the same function; just don't think you're going to get away with pulling our hair (sorry I couldn't help it).
• ·         Did you notice the part about being friends? or that it was posted in the Strictly Platonic section?  I just want to hang out, go to a movie, maybe a show at the NC Music Factory... talk about the news?  I admit (as the song goes) "I screwed around and fell in love" last time I tried this, but I learned my lesson. I'm not looking for a romantic involvement of ANY kind, I'd just to have someone to talk to every once in awhile.
• ·         There were a surprising number of kids (yes kids – youngest was 21 – the majority were 25-27) that responded.  The scary thought for me were the ones that said they had a girlfriend.  Why the hell are you cruising CL?  One guy actually had the nerve to send this after I told him I wanted friends my own age: Who cares, cool ppl are cool ppl. It's not like I'm trying to suckle from ur tits!! Lol age doesn't matter to me. I'll be anyone friend.
• ·         ...which brings me to my next point - tell me again why you are sending emails in text-speak?  As those guys on ESPN are so fond of saying "C'mon Man".... everyone has a smart phone these days with a full keyboard - not to mention the full keyboard on that neat tablet you're currently using.  There is NO excuse for not typing out the entire word these days.  I'll forgive misspellings (lord knows if the F7 key didn't exist I'd never send out a correctly spelled email), but text-speak in an email goes straight to the trash without the "thanks for responding but you have not been selected to go further in search for a friend process" email.

LOL I can hear Kris now telling me that I'm too damn picky.  Maybe.  Truth be told I need someone around me that can challenge me, someone that won't let me walk all over them.  Someone that will call me out on my crap.  Someone that will disagree with me & even push back when I state my opinion.  Someone that will let me question what they say and not be offended by it.

Damn it …so that's what Adele meant by Never mind, I'll find someone like you.  Maybe in her next album she’ll tell me how to do that?

The plug has been pulled

"I agree it's over"

News, news and more news...

Ok, so here's the situation (and you'll have to forgive the 'history' lesson, but I'm learning it's easier to tell the whole story so I don't have to go back and fill in the 'have you done this yet' questions.  Last January I got insurance w/ Wallace & Graham after being out of work for about 10 months.  I immediately made appointments for all the "maintenance" (dentist, physical, mammogram, etc.) things I hadn't been able to do since Epixtar closed.  I expected to be told the diabetes was out of control (which it was) but I didn't expect the abnormal pap smear (indications of HPV; should clear up on it's own - very common she says).  My doc insisted it was probably nothing but wanted to do a colposcopy just to be sure.  Two long weeks of waiting but it came back clear; I had instructions to come back in 6 months to repeat the pap.  

Unfortunately 2 weeks later I was let go & that was the end of my insurance.  Fast forward another 8 months of unemployment & DSS "suggests" I apply for the charity program sponsored by NorthEast (I "made" too much in unemployment to qualify for any other programs - go figure).  Again I'm going in with the intention of getting the diabetic meds back on track & my doc reminds me that I never came back in for the pap.  Hey while you have this coverage (pays for office visits but I have to pay for the tests - which aren't exactly cheap either) might as well do a full work up while you can she says.  

...and wouldn't you know it, this pap comes back abnormal as well.  Since it's the second one she wanted me to go see a GYN specialist (never had a specialist in my life).  This doc is really nice, reassuring, answers all the questions... but she's still a specialist you know?  Last Thurs (24th) she did another colpo & biopsy and Friday am I got the phone call - it wasn't as she would have liked.  Today I met with her to go over the results & what's next.  She's diagnosed me with mild dysplasia and wants me to go to NorthEast (Evidently I didn't "handle the pain/discomfort" of the colpo & biopsy as well as most (LOL - told you guys I don't DO pain) so she wants me to be more relaxed - mentioned Valium???) for a LEEP procedure.   Penny has graciously agreed to take me next Thursday (2/14) and make sure I get home in one piece. The plan is to go in, remove the abnormal cells, send them to pathology and hope they don't come back cancerous.  Yes she said those words, she's looking for cancer this time.

While I'm at it...let me fill you in on Dad.  Wednesday morning (6:42) I received a phone call from Dad's LifeStation Alert System that he'd been taken to the hospital.  He didn't fall this time, but couldn't get out of bed & stand even with the use of his walker.  He did the right thing by pressing the button and going to the hospital. I spent part of the day trying to find out what was up with him, but he didn't answer his cell as much as I called.  I finally goth through to the ER later that afternoon & was told by the ER charge nurse that she could not give me any information about him (even though I have both a POAs (business & medical)  and I have been on his record for the past 5 years as being the only one to be able to receive information on the phone & I gave the code word) because the EMTs filed a report with Adult Protective Services. She informed me I needed to show up in person (he lives in Norfolk, VA) to receive any information.  I left work, packed a bag and headed home.

I got to DePaul about 10:30 PM, walked in through ER, was given his room number and had no problem going up to see him.  He was surprised to see me, had no idea of the APS filing (or any reason anyone would do it).  I stayed for another 30 minutes and we talked about what info he had on his condition ("they're trying to get the swelling down").   When I got home it took me about 20 seconds to realize why the EMTs felt the need to file the report; it's going to take an act of god to be able to clean this house & make it livable again.  (That's another story and I don't have the time or energy to type it out now.)

Thursday morning's visit was more informative.  He hasn't been taking his meds as prescribed (or at all of that matter).  Since the fall a few months ago he's been in cardiac heart and kidney failure and not taking the diuretics and or the ones that keep his heart beating have caused the fluid around both organs to move to his feet, legs (so much so that he can't stand) and stomach (he looks about 7 months pregnant).  They are doing a cardiac cath tomorrow morning (the same operation the doctor said he wouldn't do unless he stopped drinking ... well we know how that worked out) & of course tons of tests.  I'm probably going to have to at the very least put him in a physical therapy/skilled nursing facility once he's strong enough to leave the hospital and at worse an assisted living facility for the long term. 

The cardiac catherization went as well as could be expected (although for some reason they couldn't go through his wrist as they hoped and had to instead go through his groin).  The good news is that there is no blockage around the valves, etc.  The bad news is that his heart is beating at 25% efficiency & its all because of lifestyle choices.  The cardiologist in no uncertain terms said 1. stop drinking 1. stop using salt 3. take the diuretics & heart meds as prescribed or he will end up back in the hospital sooner than later.  He is basically drowning in his own fluids.  The ICU nurse while he was in recovery said the next thing to look for is "weeping".  The skin can only stretch so far & then the fluid starts seeping out of your skin; looks like little drops of moisture all over your body. 

Unless something else happens (and please don't I can't handle any more) I'm heading back home Sunday morning.  As selfish as it sounds I need to make sure I have a job & get my mind right for this LEEP procedure.  I'm also so far behind with my classes I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to catch up.

Conversations

Disclaimer:  Two-thirds of this post was written weeks ago & has been sitting in the virtual drawer our parents always told us to use before we sent the letter we wrote when we were upset about something.  I fully intended to leave it there until a friend suggested I post it to purge any residual feelings I may have.  I don't know if I believe that or not, but I do know I need to do something to stop kicking myself for wasting so much time (and for what??) yet again.

The Dear Jane email finally came – five moths after he walked out my door essentially never to be seen again.  As overly dramatic as that sounds now; it as close to the truth as I can be without… well sounding overly dramatic. 

After looking for several years he’d just landed not only a full-time job, but one that was in his field (even if not exactly what he is going to school for).  It was perfect and he would have time to continue to study for his Masters while at work.  He came over the weekend before his first day & we hung out just as we’d been doing for the last year and a half.  A little while before he was getting ready to leave there was a “change in the air”.  It wasn’t anything concrete; nothing either of us said/did but I could tell something wasn’t right.  I pressed him to tell me what was wrong but he gave me the same generic answer he gives me when he’s not ready to talk.  Against my better judgment I let him leave.  I had a pretty good idea what was on his mind and I knew I was just going to have to let everything play itself out.  Besides, why worry about it now, we had big plans for the next weekend.

Five months, several forgotten plans made long ago, more canceled dates than I can remember, not to mention more random FB chats about his ex-wife later and the Dear Jane email arrives.

No I wasn’t surprised by the email – no that’s not exactly true.  I was completely taken by surprise that after all this time of complete radio silence on his part he would contact me practically out of the blue.  I will admit to being blindsided by the explanation as to why 1. we wouldn’t work as a couple (although he did finally admit that we had been in a relationship all this time & silly me thought we were doing just fine) or more importantly to me 2. as friends.  WTF?!?!  Seriously??

Believe it or not, I felt like the relationship was over when he left in September; admittedly I did hold out hop we could remain friends.  We promised each other no matter what happened to our relationship we wouldn’t let our friendship go.  What brought us together in the first place was the fact we both understood what it felt like not to have the ‘one’ person you could call in the middle of the night “just because”.  We were friends before we were more than it we were supposed to be friends no matter what. It is pretty difficult for me to realize that the person I felt knew me better than anyone on this planet really didn’t know me at all.  … but here was unmistakable proof in black and white right in front of my face… he really had no clue who I was, what I wanted out of life or what I felt about him—nor did he care.

…oh well… for what it’s worth as the song goes… for once I didn’t disengage…*

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

The other weekend a male friend and I were talking about the Dear Jane email and how much it reminded him of how he felt he was being treated by the woman he was currently interested in.  “She is constantly pushing me away, but then sends me texts saying she misses me, cares about me, and asking me not to give up on her.”  I had to ask if there was the slightest chance she was seeing/or was interested in someone else (yes hindsight is 20/20).  My friend (whom I always tease for being the White Knight) insisted there wasn’t anyone else “but she’s having problems with her ex-husband” he added quickly.

I busted out laughing… “Remember what you told me when I told you I had feelings for         ?”

“But this is different” he laughed.

“How so?”

“Because it’s happening to me!”

…hey if you can’t laugh…

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

The last few days I’ve been getting Facebook messages from my Dad’s son.  (We were never close, but he stopped being my brother when he refused to accept my phone call regarding our mother’s impending death.)  I haven’t seen him in over 20 years and frankly I have no desire to at anytime (I only have him on Facebook in case Dad changes his mind and wants to see him.).

Last year I started getting Facebook messages (I’m starting to think Facebook is EVIL) from friends of his from high school (he was two years behind me), and a woman he used to work with years ago informing me that “something was wrong” with him, that ”he needed his family right now” and/or “I’m extremely worried about him & I was hoping you could put me back in touch with him.”

It was very easy to tell his high school friends basically to f*ck off because they know the majority of what happened years ago.  Hell they probably know more of what went down between him and my parents than I do.  It was this random woman that made my blood boil.  She started telling me about their relationship, how she’d given him money, taken him in…yadda yadda yadda… all because she felt bad for him because his family turned their back on him!  WTH???

She went on to say that according to my former brother, no one bothered to tell him that his mother had cancer and/or had died.  (Since I was the one that told him she was dying from lung cancer & I was the one that tracked his ass down in order to get him home before she died I know that was a lie.)  She went on to tell me that the reason she tracked me down was because the last time she talked to him (he called her) he called to say goodbye because he had an inoperable cancer (what and where he didn’t tell her) and had only been given six months to live.  She was worried because his cell had been turned off and she couldn’t get in touch with him.

That was a year ago… and here he is showing up on my Facebook page asking if I’m ever going to talk to him again.  He still hasn’t explained why he wouldn’t take the phone call when I tracked him down at work to tell him to get his ass on a plane (Dad had a ticket waiting for him, just like he did for me.) and until then I have NOTHING to say to him.  Now that I know he’s been using Mom’s death in this manner …. I can’t think of anything that would put him back in my good graces.

  

*”What You Own” from RENT